Economic Hysteria

This will be brief.

- Media is scaring people shitless with the constant coverage on the economy and how we're all fucked.
- People then react by not buying anything because the media has spooked them.
- Media then notes how people are not buying any consumer retail products anymore because they'd rather use their money to dig themselves out of debt or put it in a savings account...which is what the media told them to do.
- Media then blames people and forecasts even more bleak economic times.

Repeat

Cycle of retardation

Gas price insanity

Ok, I understand that gas is expensive, especially if you drive an assload. What really makes me smile though is how people get particularly hyped over minute drops in prices, like people fleeing to the pumps at a 2cent drop.

Heres some math to show how dumb this is.
Ok, this is based on having a 50L tank (car sized)
50L @ 100cents a liter = $50
50L @ 110cents a liter = $55
50L @ 120cents a liter = $60
50L @ 130cents a liter = $65

Those are significant jumps in price mind you. Now, think of the knobs who try to milk every drop of gas when it drops 2cents, they save a total of $1 per fillup. However, the time spent in line idling with fellow crazed idiots they ended up using $4 in gas.

Yes I'm aware that shit totals up after awhile, but the idea of driving extra blocks or kilometers in order to save $1 is ridiculous. I'm all for capitalism otherwise, lowest price for the same product will always win, but at the issue of convenience and sanity. Fuck off.

Low prices are nice, but think of how petty you are being over such a miniscule amount of gas.

Hell, I drive a big van and won't sit in line with those crazy people even if im saving $5, because they freak me out at just how incredibly insane they become. I hope they are getting watered down gas as punishment.

Pleasantries

How are you
How ya doing
Whats up
whats goin' on

These are but a few examples of mindless pleasantries that we all must endure on a daily basis. It's not so much that I hate the idea of inquiring into how someones day is going or what they are doing, but rather the fact that the action of inquiry has become so watered down that nobody sincerely gives a fuck.

You could say, well I'm having a shitty day, my wife left me and my dog exploded. But the person who asked will say something to the effect of "Thats terrible...but now to my business".

Now, there are exceptions. People like myself actually use this brief opening to set the stage for many conversations. For example "What's up?" and I'll reply "well I just finished downloading some music". Why do i reply as such? Because it actually starts some conversation, in this case the topic will be music. This is a significant improvement over "n2m u?"

When I glancingly pass you on the street and we're each on our own ways i don't care for such fucking formalities. Why, because I'm a busy fucking person, but I'm not a rude bastard. A simple "hey" or "hello" or god forbid even a nice tilt of the head in acknowledgement of each other is acceptable.

Save your fucking breath, when you start a conversation you better set the topic right from the beginning. A greeting starts the conversation, if you initiate the conversation you better have a fucking reason. Mindless chitchat is what's ruining people, so the simple solution is to cut the bullshit.

If you irritate me on a consistent basis with the same rehashed pleasantries then I may have to punch you right in the reproductive organs so that you can't reproduce more foolish children.

Text Messaging

So children, it seems that cellular phone giants Bell and Telus have decided to be a bunch of greedy cocksuckers (again) and start charging users fifteen cents for every incoming text message on their cell phones. I find this an appropriate time as any to voice how fucking stupid text messaging is, so join me as I entrench myself in my own hatred for the gratuitous staple of modern communication that is texting.

First off, their dumbass reasoning behind this telecommunications equivalent to an abortion. They say that with the phenomenal growth in popularity of text messaging, the increasing volume places a strain on their network. Thus, they say they can no longer afford to provide the service for free. Here's the kicker: it isn't free you fucking cock holsters! That's what monthly plans and service charges are for. I've already been bled dry to use my fucking phone now you're charging me for what others choose to do with theirs? Fuck off.

I know, I can hear you asking "But Derek, why don't you just switch providers if the one you have now sucks so hard?" Well Bell (my provider) says nay nay. If you break your contract with them you must pay $20 for every month remaining on your contract up to $400. Fuck.

I've long maintained a rather contemptuous stance on the subject of text messaging in general. First off, it's a phone, use it the way it was intended to be used and just fucking speak to me you loathsome assholes. When people arrange plans with me through text messaging, it takes such a long and arduous amount of time to hammer out the simplest plan that by the time arrangements are complete I'm so fucking angry that I never want to see the person in question again. Then I realize that if I don't hang out with them all I just went through was a complete waste, so I remain friends with them purely out of spite. In what would have been a two minute conversation on the phone usually amounts to about forty back-and-forth text messages between two or more people. Whenever I get a text message in which a response is implied, I call the person back. I'd rather yell into my phone than use my fingers like a fucking animal.

The worst part is that I have virtually no way of actually stopping people from texting me, therefore I get charged no matter what. Effectively I've been bent over a barrel and am currently being fucked in the ass by the long, hard dick that is Bell Canada. What's worse is that I'm literally paying them to sodomize me. From a business standpoint it's commendable what these phone companies (henceforth known as baby rapists) have done. They just exponentially increased their profit margin, and have made us all a victim. Now my life is lived in constant fear that some jackass "friend" of mine will choose the most inappropriate method of getting ahold of me. Indeed, all is lost.

Do you need to reach me? Then you'd better dial my fucking number, because if I have to pay fifteen hard earned cents to suffer your syntax error and emoticon laden salutation I will fucking stab you. Straight up.

Soccer Douchebaggery

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good soccer game as much as the next guy. But what really annoys me at about the same time most years is how everyone and their mom becomes a huge soccer aficionado.

These people will show absolutely no interest in soccer for eleven months of the year besides the highlights they accidentally watch via Sports Centre while enjoying their pop tarts, ironing their polo shirt collars so they stick up nicely and spraying Axe on their flip-flops, they will have had no contact with soccer.

Then a major tournament rolls around, whether it be the World Cup, the Euro, or the World Juniors, all of a sudden everyone acts like they've rediscovered their fucking heritage, with a new sense of patriotism in tow. These are also the assholes with flags hanging out of their cars.

How can someone, who does not speak of soccer in any way, shape, or form for almost an entire year, somehow manage to talk players, stats, predictions and God knows what else with fellow bar patrons and fans. I am aware that these big tournaments only go on annually, but so much silence is suspicious at best. How can one go from not watching for eleven months, to suddenly knowing what shoe size their entire teams striking line wears? Many can speculate on the cause, my guess is that they actually pay attention to Sports Centre clips now, eat up the names and then violently vomit them out to anybody who will listen.

Now, for any loyal soccer fans reading, you may already guess that these rantings are not directed at you. But rather at those bandwagon hoppers who you are able to point out from across the bar, but begrudgingly hangout with because they have a rather burly looking group of equally stupid friends.

I don't pretend to know anything about "clubs", players, stats or any of that stuff. Rather I pick a team, watch them play from time to time, then move on with my life. It’s like any other sporting event that’s on for a short period, such as the Olympics.

This is not an isolated occurrence either. But rather the most easily identifiable and current version of sports douchebaggery, which I will hereby dub as the TSN strain of douchefag. No dedication, just spewing the same shit that a highlight reel would provide. Seriously, it’s okay to casually enjoy something and it's all right to live and breathe. But don’t casually enjoy something and pretend it’s your fucking life.

Also, here in North America. Football is pronounced "sock-err”, you god damn fuckbag. I will only accept football if you are in fact, from anywhere other than North America.

Posers, I’m not done with yelling about you yet. Thankfully I will have a stupendous two years of silence until the World Cup comes around, TSN douchefag free.

Probiotic Yogurt

I like to think of myself as a relatively health conscious person, but all too often now I witness a commercial for any given yogurt and they advertise "Oh shit son, we got us a probiotic culture in this yogurt that is exclusive to our company. Go buy it." Allow me to tell you why this infuriates me.

Now for those of you who aren't "in the know" probiotic bacteria are intended to assist the body's naturally occurring gut flora, an ecology of microbes, to re-establish themselves. Those useful little bacteria live in symbiosis with us and basically help break down food. Yes, your shit stinks because of them.

I shall address several problems with food claims.

1. Who gives a fuck if you have this exclusive culture? There are so many different bacteria in your colon that we still haven't discovered or even named all of them. Fuck, you could be making it up and no ignorant consumer twat would know the difference.

2. There is no supporting evidence that eating so and so will replenish completely devastated gut flora. It has been known to "be of aid" after having a heavy dose of antibiotics, but regular consumption to boost? Fuck you. By raising one bacteria’s population you are inevitable lowering another.

3. Attitudes associated with buying these products. Like you're fucking Bruce Willis from "Unbreakable". If I was a commercial and told you that eating shit was good for you, chances are you would grudgingly accept it and go out and mow down on whatever feces you can find first.

4. Yogurt is fermented milk, meaning bacteria breaks down the milk into other sugars and such. I could claim that bread and wine are probiotic because they utilize bacteria too.

5. You have no fucking clue what any of these cultures do.

6. E. Coli is a probiotic bacterium. Go eat some raw hamburger. Don't actually eat raw hamburger...

If someone were to come up and say to me;
I'm drinking probiotic wine
I'm eating probiotic bread
I'm eating probiotic yogurt
All I hear is "I'm a health douche"

End point. Yogurt is good, and good for you. It was already probiotic to begin with though; you are buying into marketing hype. Unless you are some dietician with a book of good bacteria then really, what clue do you have other than what the company is telling you?

Accident Woes: Part One

Dearest readers, I come to you this week not with pent up rage over a particularly irritating social phenomenon, but rather I am going to share a story with you. What is to follow is a long and arduous tale about a boy that got in a car accident and the issues and legal woes that follows. I will try and keep this moderately objective and you can form your own opinion on the matter.

It all begins on a fateful April day, myself, T.J. and Curt were driving down from Owen Sound to Toronto to witness a live performance by ska legend Streetlight Manifesto at the Phoenix concert theatre. All was going well until we hit the portion of Highway 10 in Brampton at around 4:30pm or so and traffic was significantly congested. At approximately 5:15pm I was in the middle lane of three lanes on this highway and passed through an intersection, only to have traffic come to an abrupt halt in front of me. I slammed on the breaks but didn’t have quite enough room to come to a complete stop and ended up rear ending an Accord that had stopped or was close to stopping in this middle lane.

For the sake of objectivity I will not elaborate on the causation of the collision, point is, I was the hitter in this situation, as is the case with rear ending situations it seems. (I will admit to nothing until after December 23).

Since I actually did hit the brakes quite hard the front of my car dipped with forward momentum and went underneath the bumper of the Accord, causing my hood to buckle, grill and radiator to crack, bumped damage and fender damage. No airbags deployed nor did the headlights crack or even stop working. Could this perhaps indicate just how low the impact speed was? Since the hood was crumpled and radiator was cracked we had no choice but to wait for a tow truck to conveniently happen by within five minutes of the collision.

The accord suffered minor cosmetic damage, with scratches and a dent on the rear bumper and the muffler being pushed out of one of its hangers. No airbags deployed either. In my opinion, drivable. In fact, I bet my van is in worse shape normally.

We are now pulled off onto the shoulder of the highway waiting for the police to arrive to fill out an accident report, the lady understandably yells at me a bit but is otherwise pretty calm about matters, all factors considered. Her two daughters who were also with her got out and noted nothing regarding injury, other than being a little shaken up by the matter. No ambulance was called.

Tow trucks swooped in on the scene within mere minutes and began giving us the Torontonian once over. Claiming he somehow knows my insurance policy inside and out and my car has to be stored in Brampton for the night and they’ll fix it here and give me a rental, and so on... This was not the case at all, which took many phone calls with my Mom to get sorted out.

The Police arrive at 6:15-6:20 (over an hour later) to take drivers statements and fill out an accident report. Although we had exchanged few words with the family, all conversation pointed to they said they were all “Okay” and that’s what matters in this situation. The cars are then towed to a nearby gas station where the officer finishes the report and the family has their dad/husband come pick them up. I was deemed “at fault” for the accident and was then issued a ticket for “Careless Driving”- a ticket that is 6 demerit points and a $325 fine.

Meanwhile the family's dad/husband has arrived, and our parting words with the woman revolved around “sorry”, and she again confirmed that they were all fine and all was good, relatively speaking. The dad/husband is busy talking with the tow truck drivers (who had indeed towed the accord) and didn’t appear to be upset regarding the incident. He even went so far as to hand the tow truck drivers his business card (mattress salesman?) and they left.

Myself, T.J. and Curt then had to wait for just over two hours in a nearby Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s for my mom to come and pick us up. All the while I just sat there processing “what in the fuck” had just happened.

My ticket was the main puzzler, as I had always considered careless driving a very serious offense for serious accidents. This is the MTO's breakdown of high point offenses. Somehow I am on par with people who pass stopped school buses and street race.

7 Points –
Failing to remain at the scene of a collision
Failing to stop when signaled/requested by a police officer

6 Points –
Careless Driving
Racing
Exceeding the speed limit by 50 km/h or more
Failing to stop for a school bus

Here are 3 quick examples of cases that resulted in Careless Driving Charges being pressed.

1. “A road rage incident in downtown Owen Sound Thursday morning quickly escalated into a chase and a mini smashup derby. The incident ended near an elementary school with both drivers charged under the new stunt driving section of the Highway Traffic Act, along with careless driving and failing to remain at the scene of an accident.” http://www.owensoundsuntimes.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1020075

2. “The most extreme case of the long weekend involved a 17-year-old Barrie driver who was charged with going 239 kph in an 80 zone on Highway 26 north of Barrie. His father's Lincoln was impounded and the youth was charged with street racing, careless driving and failure to surrender his license”
- http://www.wellandtribune.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1035041&auth=The+Tribune

3. “Police say a compact car heading eastbound on East Main Street was attempting to make a left hand turn on to Moyer Road. The vehicles collided and the man was thrown from the bike. The sole occupant of the car, a 34-year-old Port Colborne woman, was unhurt.
Police say Catherine Bowen has been charged with careless driving”
http://www.wellandtribune.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1000750

You can decide if I’m really a “careless driver” after reading those particular incidents.

If convicted my insurance rate will go up by 480%, from $2500 per year to a whopping $12,000 a year. I, of course had no choice but to fight this ticket. The catch to that is, you have fifteen days to file for a court date, and the kicker is I have to drive down to Mississauga to file in person, whilst the court houses hours are 9am-12pm and 2pm-3:45pm only on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. Leaving a rather inconvenient window to arrive in. A rather clever structure built specifically so that people become deterred from fighting tickets, thus garnering more money for the province. Fuck.

After driving for two hours, standing in line for ten minutes and driving back home I have my date booked. Wish me luck on December 23rd, 2008 at 10:30am as I am to plead my case of not guilty of careless driving.

Chapter two will come within a week or two and it will include info about insurance dealings with my car and some further ugliness in the situation.

Marijuana

It enrages me to no end when something I myself enjoy manages to become associated with people I loathe. Though my friendship with marijuana itself hasn't waned at all, I can't help but become disenchanted with it as a whole when I think of all of the useless fucks who are ruining it for everyone by acting like jackasses.

Let's get this fucking crystal. I'm not an anti-marijuana advocate in any fashion, I'm just an anti-retard advocate. There are those out there who smoke marijuana but don't piss me off at all. This rant is not about them. Now then, I enjoy dope like there's a future in it for me, but that's the end of it, I enjoy it, it's not my entire fucking life. You want to spark a joint after a long day to take the edge off and relax? Fine. You want to kick back and smoke a bowl while re-watching the movie Willow? I'm there. But for the love of Christ do not just sit on your dumb ass and smoke dope all day everyday, you look fucking stupid.

Seriously though, 420? Why the fuck is this considered such a big deal to everyone? You can smoke dope every single day of the year you jackasses, you don't need a holiday to take a day off from sitting on your ass and being pathetic just so you can sit on your ass and be pathetic. All I end up doing on 420 is laughing at all of you twats who have nothing better to do with your lives than sit around and smoke pot.

I just love it when those fuckers get baked and decide to wax philosophical. And when I say I love it, I mean I'd rather dig at the vein in my cock with a linoleum knife than listen to the shit that falls out of their stupid mouthes. It just ruins the entire prospect of smoking dope. I smoke this shit to mellow out and relax, not speculate on the world's problems and take on your idiocy in tandem. Stop trying to unlock the keys to the universe you stupid twats, you can come find me when you want to discuss whether or not Bob Barker got a lot of pussy. And for the last time, I don't care that you've become intertwined with the fabric of space and time, pass the fucking Doritos. Assholes.

You'll surely find that it's all too common for people to bemoan the current state of the world or bitch about Tibet or some other horse shit after they get stoned. There is tons of shit wrong in this fucking world, that's a given. However, you can't claim moral superiority to ANYBODY when all you do is sit on your ass, get high, and eat fucking Chex Mix. There is seldom in this world that is more selfish and greedy.

I should probably mention at this point that I think it's absurd that marijuana is illegal in the first place, given that the government already makes ass loads of money selling you a wide variety of narcotics. The only reason marijuana is illegal is because the government doesn't like you medicating yourself in a way that doesn't make them money, they want you to pay them to use THEIR drugs.

While I find that fundamentally repulsive, let me also say this: what do you think those critical of marijuana legalization think when they see a bunch of shaggy mouth-breathing college students yelling "legalize it, man!" You're not fucking helping you pieces of shit. Those responsible for changing the current laws see this behavior as a reason to keep the shit illegal in hopes that it will maybe deter this type of idiocy, and it's hard for me to blame them. This is really embarrassing, I've never seen anything defeat it's own purpose so well. I'm all for the protest and activism that can change these laws, but for God's sake conduct yourself in a responsible and intelligent manner if you want anyone to take you seriously.

It irritates the piss out of me when the amount of weed you inhale becomes a point of pride. So you smoke x amount of dope y times a day and get "so high"? Who fucking cares? News flash morons, anyone can inhale smoke, it's not a skill you loathsome fucking twats. Claiming how often you get high every day does not impress me, dealing does not impress me, grow ops do not impress me, YOU DO NOT FUCKING IMPRESS ME! Stop trying to be a badass by doing something that is already so tired out and mundane. You're smoking a plant, big fucking deal. You want to be truly awesome? Do something creative and unheard of, like, I don't know, punch a dragon to death. Do that and you'll get my fucking attention.

While we're on the subject of chemical dependency, I will say this: while I have no inherent problems with pot itself, I have a major problem with people who are addicted to the least addictive drug in the fucking world. If you're even going to talk to me about addiction you'd fuckin' better be shooting heroin into your fucking tear ducts or smoking meth. If not, shut your god damn mouths and give me a fucking break you useless douchebags.

I love marijuana, but the underlying selfishness and weakness that comes with a large portion of those who smoke pot is intolerable. All this tells me is that you have no real skills to offer the world and need to escape the harsh reality of existence so often it proves that you are a fucking pussy. You are not hardcore for being a perma-fried asshole, the real badasses are those who take all the shit the world has to throw at them without chemical dependence as a crutch. Go out and make something of yourself you weak son of a bitch.

I don't give a shit if I'm harshing your mellow, I still hope your children get molested.

The UN Self Interest Council

Dear faithful readers, I'd apologize for the lack of posting as of recent, but it’s not part of my cold and decisive nature to apologize for anything. Now let’s get straight to business.

Get rid of fucking full veto power to permanent members of the UN Security Council. For arguments sake I will elaborate on that statement, but it'll be brief because frankly, I type a lot. For those of you unfamiliar with how the Security Council works here's a quick overview of how shit goes down...

The UNSC is responsible for quelling international squabbling and keeping general order throughout the world. There are five permanent members; France, UK, United States, Russia and China. Ten other members are elected on a 2 year cycle, 5 are replaced per year. A single permanent member can veto an entire motion while it takes 9 pro-votes for action to be taken on a matter.

Now this is fantastic, if you are thinking ahead then you can smell the conflict of interest that could potentially happen if one of these permanent members decided it was in their best interest to not act on a given motion. These criticisms can be noted in how NO action was taken in Rwanda in 1994 even though there was substantial evidence of the atrocity occurring. Yet in 1991 when incredibly resource rich Kuwait gets harassed and invaded by Iraq the council could not act fast enough to send a coalition force to thwart the invasion.

Now me discuss why the conflict in the Darfur region of Sudan (Yes it's in Sudan, because I doubt many of you actually knew that) can never be resolved so long as the veto power of the Permanent 5 (hereafter referred to at the P5) continues to hold the rest of the world hostage.

China has invested lots of money in Sudan, particularly in their oil reserves which although negligible in comparison with most oil producers, is still enough to raise interest in shitty Sudan. Sudanese government exterminates people in the Darfur region using weapons sold to them by... CHINA! China then uses that relationship to further investment, because China is the man on the inside at the UN. If anybody wants to take action in Sudan then the Chinese just say "How about no, since we gots lots of renminbi invested there, maybe you should just fuck off or I’ll go veto on your ass."

Another problem is the UNSC holds much similarity to beatnik parents. They tell you to do something, but if you don't obey then there are no consequences. The council can say "Stop" and the offender can reply with a wholehearted "FUCK YOU!" and the council will just reply to that with "Stop... please."

End point, conflict of interest is alive and well at the UN headquarters and nobody seems to give a fuck. The P5 needs to be dissolved (preferably in acid) or at least take away their excessive veto powers or things will further degrade into a steaming pile of bureaucrats shit with a UN flag planted on top. No system is perfect, but sitting idly around won’t fucking change things. Protesting anything related to Darfur/Sudan is futile because as long as China is waving veto power around then there is little to no legal action that can be taken by any nation that wishes to assist in the manner.

Fuck the UNSC.

The Taxation of Beer in Ontario

Being a 19 year old non straight edge male I have a certain degree of knowledge in the damage that a “good weekend” can have on a bank account. And quite frankly I’m pissed at how the Ontario government’s monopoly (hereafter referred to as the LCBO) on the price of alcohol has the potential to bankrupt poor college students.

For those of you who have a terribly short attention span, I took the time to create a “tl;dr” for you assholes to get the gist of what I’m saying without investing precious time to read the rest of what I have to say.



For the rest of you who did not stop reading:

Holy fucking shit a solid drinker invests a lot of money into the chilled alcoholic industry every year. The following is an examination of the crap that the average Ontario drinker has to put up with just to enjoy some suds. I’m sure the following statements will do nothing but fuel more alcoholic rage, but it must be known.

Beer in Ontario is taxed at one of the highest rates in the world. When you shell out say $40 for a 24 or 28 of beer almost $20 of that is tax! Guess what else it taxed in that category? Cigarettes, gas, and air conditioners. For those who enjoy driving to the bar while enjoying a cigarette and A/C are being taxed to such an extreme its no wonder that those taxes have been coined as “Sin Taxes”.

Further breakdown of the shit that Ontario drinkers have to deal with;

- $5.62 per case in provincial commodity taxes.
- $2.29 per case in federal excise tax.
- 7% GST on the federal excise tax.
- 12% provincial sales tax -- 50% higher than the 8% PST charged on other goods.
- Plus, a provincial volume tax, environment tax and a gallonage tax.

Ri-fucking-diculous.

It’s evident that if you want to be a hardcore alcoholic you probably have to be making six figures a year just to enjoy the natural goodness of ethanol. So next time you sit down and enjoy your piss poor buck-a-beer just remember half of that dollar is tax. You are drinking a $0.50 bottle of beer. And yes, it does taste like urine.

Even the breweries have offered some incite. "With seven separate federal and provincial taxes levied on beer, with a provincial sales tax of 12% -- the highest in North America -- with a provincial tax rate that is 70% higher than in Quebec, and with a provincial rate that is 700% higher than in New York and Michigan, one begins to understand why nearly half of the beer-drinking dollar is tax” - Jeff Newton, president and CEO of Brewers of Canada.

Buying from the Beer Store is supposed to be the cheaper way of obtaining the famed hops/barley concoction. There is no way around the inevitability that you will get taxed to fucking hell. If it weren’t for long weekends there would be no hope for drinkers to hammer down.

Bars are no better. Everyone who has been to a bar and doesn’t have nice tits knows that buying drinks is an expensive prospect. Because those aforementioned taxes are applied to alcohol that the bars buy, then the bar also has to pay x amount of taxation just for being LLBO approved, plus other various taxes, plus operating costs and wages.

What has Ontario done wrong to deserve this? A breakdown of those infamous “Sin taxes”from a 2000 study claims that we pay “$470 million in tobacco taxes, contribute to the LLBO and LCBO’s revenues of $1.345 billion and our gambling foibles account for $1.93 billion in revenues.” That’s almost $4,000,000,000 dollars that Ontario profits off of people just having a good time. The government has done a nice job at turning a profit from fun.

Bottom line: praise the long weekend sales, embrace the new found 18 pack which is better cost per bottle then the average on-sale 28. But overall, fuck the government for taking advantage of Ontarians who just want to enjoy a beer. As if taxation wasn’t high enough you greedy bastards.

Requiem for Jason Lee

Jason Lee. Good God, what happened to Jason Lee? There was a time in my life when just uttering the name "Jason Lee" damn near gave me tingles up my spine. I mean, was there anyone out there cooler than that motherfucker? No, there was not.

But not all stories have happy endings. Somewhere along the line - for whatever reason - he became a member of the Church of Scientology (I use the term "Church" loosely) and began starring in fuck shit ass movies like Underdog and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Up until this point I never knew why people went on killing sprees. Well you know what? Now I fucking get it.

This man absolutely rocked the shit in movies like Mallrats and Almost Famous and so many more, making me laugh time and again with his priceless sardonic wit. Seriously, you could tell me that my mother was killed in a grisly car accident, and then right after that show me the part from Mallrats where he's screaming at the kid on the escalator, and I would still laugh my fucking balls off.

To be honest with you, I am almost at a loss for words. The thought of his fall from grace has left me feeling dirty and used, and I've tried to scrub away this feeling, but they just don't make water hot enough. This man is hilarious, and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone in the entire world who could deliver a one-liner better than Jason Lee can. Not only that, but he seems like a genuinely intelligent person. That's why I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he became a Scientologist. It's obviously done wonders for him financially, but at the cost of his very soul. A high price if you ask me.

Let's face it, there is a plethora of obviously unstable, closeted, or just plain untalented actors and actresses who blather on about Xenu and cleansing their Engrams. Take Jenna Elfman for example, did you know that she's a Scientologist? I did, but I don't care because she's a talentless waste of life, and she was dead to me long before I even acknowledged that she was alive. But knowing that someone as inherently cool as Jason Lee thinks that alien ghosts infected the planet with negative energy just makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh, just throwing this out there, he named his kid Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee. I don't know if he was high or just lazy when he named that kid, but he deserves to be punched in the fucking sternum.

I could almost put up with this shit if he still took on good roles as an actor, but that's not the case. Jason, what the fuck have you done? I want to believe there is still good in you, but I fear you are more machine now than man; twisted and evil. I expected better from you. What a fool I was...

I don't care how much you love My Name Is Earl, Jason Lee is fucking dead to me.

Water

Water. Motherfucking water. You should think that there is no real reason to be so goddamn pissed about something so simple and pure and beautiful as water. After all, it's the essence of life, but somehow in the past few years or so we have managed to fuck it up in so many fucking ways.

What pisses me off so much about water? Well I'll fucking tell you what pisses me off. First, so-called "flavoured water". The idea is this; water, nature's original refreshment, accented with a hint of flavour. Well newsflash you cocksucker: there's no such thing as flavoured water! Any change in flavour and it becomes fucking juice. Now it's a soft drink, I hope you enjoy it you fucking twats.

Let me make this perfectly clear, if you alter the state of water in ANY way, it ceases to become water. It becomes ice, water vapour, or FUCKING JUICE! The very idea of this shit is so painful to my intelligence that I'm considering shoving my cock in the microwave just to take my mind off of it. I'm almost certain it would hurt less than this unrelenting stupidity.

It's not that I inherently hate the drink itself. You want to drink weak juice with some vitamins in it? Fine, I don't give a shit. Really, I don't. Just for the love of Christ do NOT have the audacity to call it water, it's shitty juice and you fucking know it you son of a bitch.

What else is causing my rage aneurysm you ask? If you guessed baseball cards you're close, but it's bottled water. This bullshit is the stupidest thing of all time and I include nazism in that. Everyone pays taxes to have clean, pure water flowing directly into our homes, and all we need to do to get it is turn on the tap. Awesome.

But what do we get? People leaving the safety of their homes to search for water, like our fucking ancestors did. Are you kidding me?! Why are people stupid enough to do something so, well, stupid? The main reason can be blamed on the fact that people are told to believe that bottled water is cleaner and safer than tap water. Fuck off. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. Bottled water is a business, and they have turned one of our few universal human rights into a product, end of story. The purpose of any business is to make money, and that's just what they are doing. It's genius really, what other product can you take out of the ground for nothing, put in a bottle, and sell back to people for more than the price of gasoline?

Now there are situations where bottled water is acceptable, like if your town's supply has been contaminated or is unsafe to drink, but we already have clean pure water flowing into our home, in fact here in Canada we have some of the purest cleanest tap water in the entire world. We're guzzling down this shit and filling landfills up to the tits with billions of plastic bottles. Not to mention the packaging of the water itself is ridiculously irresponsible, being over one hundred times more energy intensive than the already very efficient way water is distributed to cities. While this is happening, people in many other parts of the world don't even have the commodity of clean water. It's almost sickening to even think of.

Coke and Pepsi know what the fuck is up. They saw this shit and decided to bottle their own water. Coke came up with Dasani, and Pepsi has Aquafina. Yeah, who knows cleanliness and purity better than Coke and Pepsi? They're using their financial resources, marketing and transportation to make money hand over fist selling Coke and Pepsi without syrup for as much as Coke and Pepsi. It's things like this that make me die a little bit on the inside, I hope you're fucking happy.

Furthermore, just because you're in the store spending two dollars on a bottle of water doesnt mean its better than what you get out of the tap. Of all the bottled water companies examined in North America, 33% violated their own industry standards of safety. How does this happen? Because there is a discrepancy between the regulation of tap water and bottled water. The FDA is in charge of regulating bottled water rather than the EPA. The difference? The EPA has hundreds of people to ensure the safety and purity of tap water, where the FDA has only one person to regulate the purity of bottled water. Still think bottled water is better than tap? If not, then maybe you should check at the bottom of the nutritional facts (I'm not even touching that one, if I do I will most certainly lose my fucking mind) and notice that many bottled water companies say that the water is from "a municipal source". Do you know what that means? IT'S FUCKING TAP WATER! These fuckers are literally taking the water you already paid for and selling it back to you for absolutely biblical amounts of money, and you're just drinking it right up.

You may say that there are bigger problems out there, and I would agree whole-heartedly. There are bigger problems out there, so why get so pissed about water? I'll tell you why. Bottled water is not important in the grand scheme of things, but it is a symptom of much larger problems and easily avoidable ones at that. Those problems are rampant consumerism and an environmental disconnect. Think about what's going on, it's time to gain some perspective.

I am personally going to stick my dick in every bottle of water that is manufactured from now on.

Olympic Protesting

Greetings petty mortals. I am using this spare moment between exams to post my grievances over the increasingly popular idea of boycotting the Beijing Olympic games. To begin with, this is directed at the knobs who think that protesting the Olympics is great and Tibet should be free and blah blah blah I feel good about myself now.

Tibet has been battling for its sovereignty for 57 fucking years and everyone chooses to care when its the "hip" thing to do. Jesus fuck, everyone and their mom cared about Burma (Myanmar) 6 months ago, Darfur before that, and so on, all the way back to when Bob Geldof told everyone about Ethiopia (to keep to moderately recent events). Oh yeah, what's the hipster thing I should say here? Wait, I remember, FREE Tibet! Not since the mid 90's when a slew of larger bands (Beastie Boys) played to raise awareness of the Tibet issue have I witnessed so much temporary sympathy or vomited so much.

Protesting a sporting event does not make a political point you fucking twats. The Olympics are intended to be a world wide track meet. That's it. The host country was selected some 6 or 7 years ago (while Tibet was still not free) and they are expected to provide adequate facilities for the ATHLETES to come and compete in.

Example time. Because I know you morons love examples.

This is so fucking stupid I'm almost at a loss for words. Almost. If you are going to protest ANYTHING you better understand the historical context of things otherwise you have just proven your ineptitude. People like this are the reason why I'm pro-choice.

*If you didn't laugh at that picture and you are a supporter of Olympic protesting then you are also fucking stupid.

Berlin Germany - 1936
Nobody, absolutely no one boycotted the 1936 Olympics in Nazi Germany. There was some resentment from the Jewish community but ultimately things went okay all things considered. Hell, even a bunch of black athletes won medals.

Melbourne Australia - 1956
Two issues forced a number of countries to boycott the Olympics for completely stupid reasons. The Netherlands, Spain, and Switzerland were pissed that the Hungarian Uprising was thwarted by the Soviet Union. Cambodia, Egypt, Iraq, and Lebanon, boycotted the games due to the Suez Canal Crisis. How dumb is that? Not sending athletes that have trained for a majority of their lives in order to compete and you refuse to send them because of some squabble you're having. Either that or because your bleeding heart guilts you into not supporting the games in AUSTRALIA, which had nothing to do with either of those two reasons for boycott.

Munich Germany - 1972
Better known by its official slogan "The Happy Games". I'm not going to discuss the Palestinian/Israeli issue that arose during the games, because it has nothing to do with boycotting and was an isolated incident. I mention this event only because nobody boycotted Germany even though, you know... World War II.

Montreal - 1976
Canada went proactive and told the then Republic of China (Taiwan) that they could not compete under that name because Canada only recognized the People's Republic of China. Taiwan refused to compromise and they didn't come. Big loss. As well, Congo led a boycott of 28 African nations because IOC refused to disallow the New Zealand Rugby team from competing.

Moscow - 1980
In the heart of the cold war it was to be expected a number of countries would not send athletes. Those countries include; Canada, USA, Norway, Germany (west), China, Japan, Argentina, Turkey and others. This was mainly over a USA led boycott because of the recent Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. Promoters tried to keep politics out of the games but politics fucked things up again.

Los Angeles - 1984
For boycotting the 1980 Olympics the Soviet Union and its affiliates boycotted the LA version four years later out of spite. Again, politics fucked things up for the athletes.

All these examples tell us something. We have gotten a whole lot more retarded since 1936 when everybody sucked it up and marched right into the heart of Nazi-land because they wanted to compete. They left politics at the fucking door.

Then we had a full 24 years of good times. Until now, when all you mindless idiots decided to do a good deed and protest human rights violations to a country that doesn’t give a shit what the world thinks.

Human rights are all well and good, but protesting a sporting event that is intended to bring countries together and win some medals just sounds fucking stupid. To me it says: "We don't know what the Olympics represent, but its an easy opportunity to say fuck you China."

Mindless protesting I don't mind so much (to an extent). In fact, it amuses me because of how passionate people get over issues most of them do not fully understand or appreciate on a global political level. What I do mind is how people are so willing to speak for their national athletes and ruin their chance to compete on a global level at something they have devoted their lives to. Through your protesting and petty politics you are taking away THE RIGHT of those HUMANS to compete in an event that was made for athletes.

Different protest, but this guy has the right idea.

Much like the Church and State, let’s keep sporting events and State affairs separate.

Pennies

After working long enough in retail, along with being a consumer and a petty penny pincher, I have concluded that I am fed up with the epitome of bitch change. That's right assholes, the penny must die.

Now there is not really much to this argument so I'll keep things brief because I know you don't have to attention span to keep read anything over ten paragraphs in length.

Statistics to boil the blood:

- Canada spends 130 million dollars to producing the penny each year
- 1.2 billion pennies are produced per year in Canada
- There are an estimated 20 billion pennies in circulation currently

Lets break down the math. 1.2 billion pennies have a net value of 12 million dollars. 130 million spent on producing these 1.2 billion pennies means each penny is worth 0.1083 cents. The extra fraction of a cent spent on production doesn't seem like much until it's on a grand scale. So let's note that 0.0083 x 1.2 billion equals a net loss of 9.96 million dollars producing the penny per year.

Australia and New Zealand are on the ball, they did away with the penny several years ago and they currently round cash transactions to the nearest dime. Great idea. It has also been noted that there is almost no economical repercussions for rounding up or down as they seem to balance out.

So what do most of us do with our pennies? I personally either throw mine at people or store them in a cup holder or jar in hopes that someday I'll have enough pennies to buy a gallon of gas. A truly fantastic waste of resources. Hell, I don't even know people that bend over for anything short of a quarter.

Do away with the fucking penny, we don't use it, its a waste of precious copper, a waste of money to produce and its a fucking waste of space in my pocket.

No reason to keep it, so be gone with it.

The War in Iraq

This is a touchy issue for some people, but I’m not some people. I have sat idle by and have heard every “patriotic” argument supporting the war, and every close-minded leftist opinion against the war. The problem here is that society is fucked in so many ways its almost impossible for the average retard citizen to find enough motivation to sort through the bullshit, reflect on past historical occurrences and find that media propaganda is skewing your belief of how the war is going.

A brief summary of what has happened in the last seven years. Al Qaeda terrorists hijacked four passenger jet airliners and crashed them into the World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. Following the incident the United States then started not one, but two illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq in what we have been told is an attempt to thwart terrorism at the heart of the problem.

To bring forth a key point that will run throughout the rest of this post, WAR = PROFIT. Investors, banks and national reserve just love war because it requires the government to take out huge amounts of money AT INTEREST in order to fund military operations. Especially if certain people can participate in treason and fund both sides of the war, thereby making double the profit. Lets note how J.P. Morgan funded both the US and Germans in World War I, making an estimated 200 billion dollars. Or in today’s standards 1.2 TRILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. With that point out of the way, lets progress through analysis of the situation.

Time for a history lesson. The American public has never had an interest in world affairs, this was shown quite predominantly during WWI and WWII where America chose to not get involved until they were attacked. The problem lies in that America cannot gain public support if they are perceived as the aggressors, so they play sideline antagonist and hope for retaliation.
World War I, the US entered the war after an ocean liner named the Lusitania was destroyed while crossing the Atlantic from US to England. The ship sunk in under 20 minutes and 1,200 people died. Since Americans were victims on this ship it was then justified for the government to go into battle, thus creating profit for the same private investors who arranged for the Lusitania to travel through known German waters.

World War II. Everybody knows the attack on Pearl Harbour lead the Americans to war. But leading up to the event Roosevelt was doing everything he could to piss off the Japanese. This includes trade restrictions, dealing with their enemies, and much more. Australian intelligence even warned him that a big task force from Japan was moving into the Pacific.

Fast forward. America has admitted to knowing something was up about 9/11 and chose not to act on it. A perfect catalyst to gain the American publics support for retaliation because America was the “victim”.

I'm going to ignore the illegal war part because I am not an expert on the legality of war, nor do I care about how legal a war is because IT’S STILL A FUCKING WAR LEGAL OR NOT. America has since routed two reigning regimes in a matter of years, and has now been participating in a security enforcement role.

The problem for you naive fucks is that you do not hear about any successes from the war, when in reality the whole mission has gone quite well, by war standards at least. Why haven’t we heard the good things? Because constant failure means that the war must last longer and a longer war means what? You guessed it, more profit.

The information we obtain is also very, very select, as it's coming from news sources that are controlled by those same people who are profiting from war. Everything you see on television has been adjusted to have a political and financial appeal for those who run the world. By believing everything you see you are playing directly into their fucking plans and making the rich even richer at the cost of eternal debt and loss of lives.

Nobody seems to remember when two British soldiers were captured in Arab outfits shooting at civilians on the street in an effort to produce more civil conflict, thus creating more justification for a military presence. War mongering at its finest.

Now the beautiful repercussions that have come from this never ending Terrorist threat? Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. These two things are responsible for giving the US government the most control it has ever had over the public. And why does the public openly embrace these ideas? Because they have been scared shitless by the media who has been mongering fear to the American public like its going out of style. The media manipulated the naive fucks of the public to WANTING the government to have more control over day to day life. It's almost laughable. Almost.

Now, with that out of the way let’s look at another aspect of why society sucks. If you are a frequent reader of this blog you are probably aware that my counterpart and I have a certain amount of disgust over how mindless we have become and how we are fucking obsessed with immediate results. And it is ruining modern life.

With that said, look back throughout history at the various revolutions that have occurred to institute democracy, the French Revolution and American Revolution being the most popular. THEY DID NOT HAPPEN OVER FUCKING NIGHT. The American revolution took over 7 years to finally succeed. You cannot seriously expect final results in altering the whole Iraqi hierarchal system within a few years. Fuck, the Sunni’s have been in power for centuries, and now they’re no better than the Kurds of Shi’ites and it pisses them the fuck off. You would be pissed too and you know it.

Reflect on how the Iraqi’s feel right now. They are fighting for their ideals against a superior force using questionable tactics and localized support. Reflect on how the American’s during the revolution felt. They fought for their ideals against a superior force using questionable tactics and localized support. Pretty similar, eh?

In conclusion, look past the media bullshit and gain some goddamn patience. Without public pressure and an ability to see just who is pulling the strings on the war, it will be a long conflict. Forcing the government to act is the key. History has a nasty tendency to repeat itself and rather than question the government, you mindlessly obey as they exert more and more power over the general populous until eventually totalitarianism is inescapable.

Seriously, it's time to gain some fucking perspective.

Environmentalists

Good day friends. I've been rather perturbed at a number of beliefs and ideals that environmentalists stand for/praise, so bear with me as I address a number of things I feel you should be informed about. Environmentalist, the term used to have meaning before ignorant assholes commandeered the green movement mere moments after watching Al Gore’s unfortunate documentary about global warming. This movement has entailed such ideals as Hybrid/electric/hydrogen cars, genetically modified food, “green power”, recycling and saving the various forests.

I’m only naming those points because I’m going to address those and if I were to address anymore then your pathetic attention span would prevent you from finishing my delightful post.

Topic the first, non-fossil fuel cars. Fantastic in theory, but these new and improved horseless carriages can only be so perfect. Take the hybrids for example, they have had numerous problems with misleading mileage claims, problems with batteries in cold weather, new driving techniques required and the near silent running have been cited problems. Not so perfect anymore, eh?

Electric? The silent operation means a higher chance of driving over somebodies inattentive child, and I’m sure you want that on your conscience. Not to mention the production and disposal of batteries is wonderful for the environment, with all those biodegradable heavy metals and battery acids! Let’s also note that they require charging and the electricity comes from unclean sources most of the time. So fuck you.

“But what about Hydrogen cars Brett?” Well with that particular concept the fuel is the problem. The methods for producing the fuel are heating methane under high pressure with a catalyst in a steam atmosphere, which requires natural gas. Another method is electrically breaking water into hydrogen and oxygen, and since fossil fuels and nuclear energy make up a good portion of electrical product that means pollution (in nuclear or smog form) is created in order to make a clean fuel. Let’s also examine how the vehicles will leave water trails on the roads… in cold weather. If you haven’t pieced it together yet, that means ice you fucking twit. But seriously, get off your high horse if you believe that changing vehicles will fucking cure the world ASAP. Get a tune up and a more sensible car and shut your fucking trap. These new designs, while good in theory are not all what they are cracked up to be. The new designs are not as perfect as we are lead to believe and we need to stop pushing the blame around. Period.

Topic the second, genetically modified food or as the “environmentalists” call it, “Frankenfood”. I find that term to be improper because Frankenstein was a useless motherfucker. Whereas GMO’s have a number of benefits for many different people.
For instance, GMO’s have allowed Mexican farmers to grow corn in soil with high aluminum concentrations, which for those of you who are retarded, is a good thing. How about the engineering that has added vitamin A to rice so that the 1.24 million Asian children out there who have vitamin A deficiency don’t have to suffer anymore. To emphasize things, genetically modifying food has been around for millenia,ever hear of cross breeding plants?

Look at how corn/cotton has been modified to produce its own toxins (harmless to humans by the way) that kill any pests that try to eat it. Now you may think that’s all terrible, but note that milkweed and the acacia tree do the same thing naturally. Downside? No medical problems have been directly associated with genetically modified food. You can cry about GMO food all you want because YOU ARE NOT FUCKING STARVING TO DEATH because of chronic food shortages.

“I only eat organic because it’s definitely better for me!” Well, that’s a statement of blissful ignorance if I had ever heard one. Organic has not been proven to be better than other food; it has been MARKETED THAT WAY. Organic farmers are businessmen, and the sole purpose in business is to make money. Let us also note that organic regulations are so slack that in theory, you can dust your drops with up to 30% heavy metals and still call it organic. Organic farmers can also fertilize their fields with heavy doses of human sewage which contains an abundance of everything you don't want near your food. Sounds mighty appealing to me. I hope you enjoy your over priced food now.

Green power is a broad term that includes the likes of wind power, geothermic, hydroelectric and solar power. Let me refute and approve of each to the best of my ability.

Wind power sounds pretty awesome! But let us consider the raw materials that go into production of these hulking towers, those use fossil fuels in production. Let us also consider that many of the towers used are made in Europe and have to be shipped over then trucked to their final destination, further use of fossil fuels. However, once assembled they are decent at producing power. So right now they are OK!

Geothermic is the only form that I find to be truly clean. The utilization of the Earths heat to produce electricity is a great idea; the only thing that is required is a lot of strategic piping. Iceland has done things perfect, and for that I commend them. Good job you fucking Vikings!

Hydroelectricity, dams in particular are ecological disasters and use a ridiculous amount of materials that go into production. For instance, the Hoover dam has enough concrete in it to pave a two-lane road from San Francisco to New York City. That combined with the huge regions that become flooded behind the dam, destroying perfectly good land in the process. They wreck river habitats, are an eyesore and are huge economic undertakings. Dams lose.

Solar panels suck, in that they require oil to heat water to produce electricity, the panels themselves produce toxins when being made and they take up huge stretches of land for (relatively) low amounts of power gain.

Coal fire plants suck in every way shape and form. So fuck you.

Nuclear power I don’t see the problem with, no emissions, huge megawatt output, great career opportunities. Only problem is the nuclear waste disposal and terrorist threat (which I may or may not touch on in a later posting) to cure the disposal problem I say lets either:

A) Shoot it into the sun
B) Dump it in a volcano
C) Shut the fuck up

With that said, green power is an illusion. Anything can be green in comparison with the coal fire plants spewing shit over the landscape. Everything has its drawbacks and the initial production cost on the environment has to be weighed against the overall amount of pollution saved.

Recycling, there is really nothing to refute but the tedious process of separating trash. Seriously, what the fuck is this about. Think about it, if you could throw everything in one bin and a recycling plant does all the sorting then recycling would be both convenient and kick ass. Oh yeah, let us also note the excessive amounts of pollution that is produced to recycle plastic and paper. So fuck off on your self righteous attitude. If I throw a plastic bottle in the trash it will not end the world. So somebody go bring the idea of mass sorting to life, until then the overall pathetic laziness of society will prevent everyone from recycling.

“Green is a revolution, it’s for the better of everybody” Now that’s just the type of sentence that has obviously come straight from a commercial and you are rehashing it for the world. You know who else led a “revolution” for the better of “everybody”?
To cite some events;

- Bolshevik revolution that established communism and formed the Soviet Union
- Spanish revolution
- Cuban revolution
- Irish Republican Army
- Ba’ath revolutionary party (that put Hussein in power)

So is revolution really the right word? No, let’s call it a green movement that is based solely off guilt. It's awesome how ignorant people can be that by saving the planet one way they turn a blind eye and manage to use more resources in another aspect of life.

Look at the real pros and cons of each of these “green” alternatives and decide which is better for your particular situation. Don’t let a fucking commercial decide what you should do. Rather, note that it is almost impossible to not leave an ecological footprint in western society short of living in a hobbit hole or a tent or a cave, growing all your own food and never having fires. We are wasteful by nature. You cannot change your fucking lifestyle to make a real difference, or you can buy into the idea that this stuff is as clean as it gets. You want to believe you are better than everybody else because you drive a Prius? How about you get a fucking clue. Stop the fucking condescending attitude and make a real lifestyle change you pompous assholes. Learn to conserve.

DO THESE THINGS:

* Get a tune up
* Balance your tires
* Make sure your house is properly insulated
* Turn off your lights
* AC? Fuck off
* Add some geothermic piping to your house or a rooftop solar panel
* Use your fucking brain for once

Westboro Baptist Church

Friends, tonight I cordially invite you to come and stew with me in my unrelenting fury, as my suffering is more tolerable when I have others to drag down with me. You all are most likely well aware that I hate - a lot. But I hate with style and creativity. I don't hate you, but I do hate weakness, and all the ignorant shit weakness brings. This takes me to my next point. Friends, in a second I'd like you to meet the fucktards of the Westboro Baptist Church.

But before I get ahead of myself, I should mention at this point that for all intents and purposes, I am agnostic. For those unaware, this means that while I don't outright deny the existence of a greater power, it is inherently unknowable and therefore irrelevant in the process of my day-to-day life. You could say that makes my opinion biased, and therefore arguably invalid in the present context. Fortunately for me I don't give a shit about what you think. If there is a God, He is the one who made me this way, which was His mistake, so fuck off.

Now then, back to the source of my near-crippling fury. For those who aren't acquainted with these wastes of air, let me introduce you to them. The Westboro Baptist Church is a religious organization based in Kansas and headed by the ignorant pig that is Fred Phelps. The church and its fear-based following runs numerous hate-mongering anti-homosexual websites, the most noteworthy being www.GodHatesFags.com.

They also have numerous other websites expressing condemnation of Catholics, Muslims, Jews, and pretty much every living thing that draws breath on this planet. Essentially, God hates everyone except them. Pretty fucking convenient, huh? Put it this way; are you a member of the Westboro Baptist Church? No? Well then you are going to spend eternity in hell. Cool.

As it turns out, Phelps' two-hundred followers are only allowed to marry within the church. The catch is, it's made up entirely of relatives of either Fred or his wife. So what do you do? You go out and play push-push with your sister in the name of the Almighty. I don't know about you, but that sounds damn hot to me. So not only are they a toxic cult of self righteous hypocrites poisoning the minds of others with unwarranted hatred, they're also a bunch of inbred cousin-fuckers. Awesome.

The church bases its work (I use the term "work" loosely) around the belief that nearly every tragedy in the world is linked to homosexuality – specifically society's increasing tolerance and acceptance of the so-called "Homosexual Agenda." Homosexual agenda indeed. Homosexual behavior has been observed and documented in close to 1,500 species throughout the animal kingdom, ranging from primates to gut worms, yet we as humans are the only ones who have a problem with homosexuality. Give me a fucking break you worthless cunts.

A perfect example of this was Hurricane Katrina. The WBC is rooted firmly in their retarded fucking ideology that Hurricane Katrina is the result of God punishing homosexuals with a little good old-fashioned floodin'. Now this is where their account of things becomes a bit convoluted. The primary gay neighborhood in New Orleans is Faubourg Marigny. Now I'm not saying Katrina didn't fuck shit up, but here's the thing; Marigny was virtually untouched by the entire disaster. As fate would have it, the neighborhood was elevated enough to escape most of the catastro-fuck that was Katrina. So now I ask you, if these people are such a blight in the eyes of the Almighty, why then is He so fucking lazy when it comes to their eradication from the face of the Earth? Either that, or God isn't as angry with gays so much as He is with the gay-adjacent.

Oh yeah, they also protest funerals. Yeah, you read right, they protest fucking funerals! Are you fucking kidding me? I know now in my heart that Fred Phelps' parents fucked on a microwave at his conception. I know this, because there is no other explanation for this level of unrelenting stupidity. In a perfect world these retards would receive a savage beating with a sack full of door-knobs at the hands of government thugs as punishment for the suffering inflicted on my mind, which is directly attributed to their own ineptitude.

These assholes have protested a running total of approximately 80 military funerals in 30 states, citing a belief that the Iraq War is a punishment for the nation's tolerance of homosexuality. I'm not going to go into the Iraq war in any context presently, because that is a whole other ball of wax. Right now what's pissing me the fuck off is that only result of this situation is that these soldiers died so that cunts like this could stand across the street and protest their funeral and shout about how they're burning in hell. I don't care what you think about the war, because no matter how you slice it that is fucking despicable. Now pardon me while I go vomit in rage.

It's not hard to understand simple-minded prejudice of this nature, but what's weird about this is that there is no other person in all of Kansas who spends all day thinking about anal sex as much as Fred does. Isn't it ironic that the most prominent anti-homosexual advocate in the country has always got cock on his mind? Methinks Fred doth protest too much (for those not familiar with Shakespeare: Fred's gay). If he is, I don't see any problem with it. I've got friends who fuck dudes, it's no big deal. So why is Fred Phelps such a self-loathing closet homosexual who projects his anger onto others to cope with the emptiness inside his own soul? Because he's a cunt.

Final word. The Bible was not written by God. We know this because it is so full of contradictions. Need proof? How did Judas die? Please note it's a multiple choice question and all the answers are correct. I'm not downing Christianity at all, my point is just that the Bible was written by man. Man is imperfect, which therefore makes the Bible capable of being fallible. Instead of causing pain and making the world a worse place in the process of doing so, why not take the Bible for what it is; a guide to being a better person and to teach you to love as Jesus loved. But that's not what we have here. Instead we have people dictating what 'God' thinks. How would they know what He thinks? The answer is they don't. They construct a 'God' figure as a way to express and enforce their own draconian views on the world.

Faith should not be used as a weapon, I hope you all choke to death on a bag of dicks you fucking hate-mongers.

Earth Hour

Seriously what the fuck was with this publicity stunt? All around the world let’s turn off our lights for a single hour. Now the premise has good intentions, claiming what, 10% reduction in CO2 emissions? That’s good of course.

However, the problem lies in the promotion and execution of the event. Leaflets, public booths with televisions and laptops, banners… Let's think of all this on a world scale, that’s a lot of fucking paper to use on pamphlets and a lot of electricity used on advertising.

Not to mention the rallies and events that occurred during said hour. Did anybody note the amount of generators up and running to provide electricity to events? Yes, let's overlook that minor contradiction.

Does anybody actually care about the environment or has it become the cool thing to do now? I’m having trouble figuring out which is which now. I suspect that it has become the hip thing to do, like voting for the Green Party.

Lets all be aware of our ecological footprint when it’s a popular event so we can all participate and say we participated to our friends. YAY! Give me a fucking break. Environmental activism requires constant action, even if it’s just a little thing it makes a big difference when implemented on a large scale. We are so obsessed with immediate results it’s fucking ridiculous. How about learning some patience and seeing how things can change for the better if given enough time?

This whole thing reminds me of the (red) campaign that ended up spending more in advertising than it actually took in profit for AIDS research. Why not just give a portion of ALL your fucking profits to AIDS research? I’m looking at you Steve Jobs and Bono.

Final word. Earth Hour, while good in theory to encourage people to turn off their lights (which we should already be fucking practicing) needs much work done on the execution and the social attitudes surrounding it. It’s to ENCOURAGE turning off your lights, its not a once a year fucking thing you twats.

Commit fully to the idea or don’t participate you fucks.

Hal Johnson

People that read these writings (thats you.) Contrary to your feeble thoughts and assumptions I am not going to rant about Hal Johnson in a purely hateful manner because I hold a certain amount of respect for this man for several reasons;

A) The interracial couple thing when it was still frowned upon
B) Inspiring people to "Keep Fit, and Have Fun"
C) His wicked mustache

Body Break was as essential to a child of the '90s as the "Stay Alert, Stay Safe" rabbits, the good Batman cartoons, Tiny Toon Adventures and Pinky and the Brain.

No, my qualms do not lie with the Body Break program itself, but rather Hal Johnston's drastic change in appearance that ultimately left me stunned and somewhat heart broken. Thats right, I'm talking about the extermination of the mustache from his face.


That is the man I know and love. Mustache and all. Seriously fucking awesome. So many people trusted this man and took his advice to heart because they believed he was a great man because of his fantastic mustache. Think of people who you know and love based solely on their mustaches.

- Burt Reynolds
- Hulk Hogan
- Tom Selleck
- Adolf Hitler

The list goes on...

The mustache is a staple of manliness and self confidence, a man (or woman) with a mustache just oozes self confidence and they are very sure of what they are telling you, that is why mustached men have such long acting careers.

With that self confidence combined with a catchy slogan and a white woman you create an excellent medium to get YOUR message to the world and we eat it up. Hal used his mustache to gain our trust and then he disposed of it like a used condom. This man is not to be trusted.


* Note the lack of mustache

Hal, what the fuck have you done? You have betrayed the public's trust by pulling this disappearing act with the mustache and now what are you? Just another black guy with no mustache. How am I supposed to believe anything you say now? Is that fancy degree going to win back the confidence of the public? Not a fucking chance.

Your decision to shave your mustache has tainted your credibility as an extremely minor celebrity. Is exercise even THAT good for you? I don't even know anymore.

Grow back the mustache you once-dynamic man.

Disposable Razor Blades

Loyal readers, I'm sure you are well aware that I hate a lot of things, but the object of my fury at this particular moment is the scam that is disposable razors. I am a casual shaver and therefore do not go through blades very quickly, but when I visited a Shoppers Drug Mart yesterday to consider purchasing a 4-pack of blades for my Fusion (which I got for free) I was alarmed, outraged, and genuinely pissed that this small package would end up costing me just over $21.

While researching I found multiple advertisements that said I should be changing my blades every three uses. To that I say FUCK YOU. Lets do some math (if you are competent enough to follow along).

For instance, I shave 3 times per week (give or take)
Meaning I should change my blade once per week.
4 Weeks in a month means one refill pack per month.
12 months x $21/pack = $252 a year
$252 divided by 48 blades = $5.25 per week
Fuck that.

Lets use people 15+ as a template for how shitty this actually is. Both men and women because both got regions to keep tidy.
2006 Stats Canada Census says that 20% of the population is under 15. That leaves us with 80% of the popular able to shave (give or take)
Population of 32million/0.8 = 25.6 Million people that presumably shave.
Lets assume that those 25.6 million people shave 3 times a week for simplicity sake.
25.6 million X 48 razors used per year = 1,228,800,000 disposable razors used annually.
Those 1,228,800,000 being $5.25 a piece equates to a mighty $6,451,200,000 spent on razors annually by Canadians. Thats right, 6.45 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.
That is fucking ridiculous. To emphasize my point, an aircraft carrier costs 4.5 billion.

Now keep in mind these are all theoretical numbers. When in reality I change my blades when the shave becomes so terrible the blades pull the hair off my face rather then gently slice it off. So that number would be more around $50 tops a year for myself. But those who do religiously change their blades make up for this outlier result.

Lets analyze the actual razors though, I will share my thoughts on the Gillette Fusion of what I have designated "5 Blade Badass". So you say "more blades = better?" Well in theory, yes. However, they have placed the blades too close to each other leading to mass clogging issues. Half a pass on thicker regions and I am required to rinse. However it does provide a close shave.

The cost of hygiene is fucking ridiculous and I am enraged to even ponder how much money the various disposable razor companies are making annually. Make me a fucking straight razor and I will use it. Why? Because it's almost as badass as using a sword to shave with, I can sharpen it myself and that is smooth.

I'm actually paralyzed with rage at this moment because of how much money is used, let alone the environmental consequences of throwing out 1.2 billion sharp objects.

I send a big "Fuck you!" the following companies;
* BIC Corporation
* Braun (company)
* DOVO Solingen
* Global Gillette
* Headblade
* Norelco
* Philips
* Philishave
* Remington Products
* Rolls Razor
* Straight Razor
* Thiers Issard
* Wilkinson Sword

Vegans: Part Two

Vegan: a person who abstains from consuming any food from an animal origin. What the definition is missing is the fact that almost every person who proclaims to be a vegan inherits a terribly militant attitude towards everyone else. This hostility possibly stems from a defensive nature that take because their reasons for such a lifestyle are so poor. It should be noted that even within the vegan community there is a degree of elitism as to what level each person takes their eating habits. Guess what, there is no fucking winning with these people. The only way they will regard your opinion is if you either;

A) Work for the propaganda machine known as PETA
B) Eat dirt

Follow me, as I break down the hypocrisies of the vegan lifestyle and determine just why the fuck these people think they are the greatest thing on the planet.

First, let me criticize those who take on the lifestyle, but have no clue what they are doing and just cut out all animal products without replacing them. Sad fact, your body requires proteins, fats and many vitamins/nutrients that we normally obtain through eating meat and by eliminating those from your diet you leave yourself susceptible to lowered immune system, weight loss, malnutrition, and nutrient deficiency. Fantastic. First, to combat this you must eat a varied diet and in some cases take supplements in order to stay healthy. Secondly, eating more vegetables requires more farmland which means we have to destroy more forest to produce those tasty fruits and vegetables. Third, fuck you for being a burden on the health-care system.

Also, fuck you for designing tofu to taste like meat products. Tofu turkey? Fuck off. When you gave up meat you gave up its delicious taste. Same goes to veggie burgers.

So you say "eating meat is killing the planet" well that may be so, seeing as meat provides 1/10 the overall energy provided by plants and livestock requires a lot of grazing land. This is where factory farms come into play, they minimize space and maximize product at the expense of animals having personal space. I'm not even going to go into factory farms being cruel to animals, because I have no clue what is comfortable to an animal and NEITHER DO YOU. Rather we pamper them with human standards of comfort, which for all we know is incorrect.

No dairy products? Come on. Now I should clarify that I do not support the estrogen injections associated with increased milk production. With that said, milking is the harvesting of excess milk (excess because calves are not starving because we needed another gallon for the shelf) by massaging the tits of some mammal. Truly cruelty to animals.

Hiding behind the PETA banner is infuriating to say the least. They flood you with propaganda and you choke it down like a tofu hot dog (fuck you). When in reality you are being subjected to images that tug on your heartstrings like a proverbial harp. "Oh look at the cute animal dying". Yet you don't blink an eye at some repulsive or not so cute creature being digested (fish much?). On that note, why don't you visit petakillsanimals.com and tell me what you think of your favourite organization.

Finally, stop fucking complaining about food services not catering to you. Food services are devoted to making money from a large majority of a population, and you know what? Vegans on average making up less than 0.5% of any given western population. As a man of reason I am able to conclude that from a business perspective, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING DEMOGRAPHIC WORTH CATERING TO. You chose the lifestyle now fucking live with it.

Now I'm not condemning the whole damn movement. Because that would be ignorant (take a lesson). Rather this is directed solely at those who have no clue how to be a vegan or why they are a vegan but yet manage to hold themselves on a higher pedestal than everybody else. Some vegans I can even bring myself to respect because they have a good thing going for them and know how to do things right. The rest of you blind and ignorant fucks should take a lesson from these people.

In conclusion, stop being such a smug and demanding ignorant fuck by shoving your moral convictions on others who really don't give a damn. Also, don't believe everything PETA says, that goes back to my previous point of being a retarded lemming.

Either do it right and don't complain, or don't do it at all.

Vegans: Part One

Do you know what pisses me off? Everything. Do you know what pisses me off this very instant? Vegans. I'm sure you've all gotten the impression that vegans consider themselves morally superior to every other human being because they don't eat meat. How is it that as soon as someone stops eating meat they suddenly become a saint of Christ-like proportions? You say you can't eat meat? Well then you're not fucking trying hard enough.

I know you've heard this before: "Oh, I don't like to eat meat because of the cruel ways the animals are treated while they're alive". Well, guess what? Now that animal died in vain you heartless piece of shit. All the cruelty it endured in life was for nothing. You could at least have the decency to honour its sacrifice by consuming its sweet delicious carcass. But no, you still have such an inferiority complex that you need to find ways to make yourself morally superior to me in your eyes. Give me a fucking break.

Then you have people who feel self-righteous about how they are "leaving the smallest ecological footprint on the Earth". Well that's just precious, but what about all the land that is cleared to grow the crappy food you just love so much? Do you have any idea the amount of natural habitats, flora and fauna that is destroyed just to grow that shit? I don't know about you, but that footstep doesn't seem very small at all. Rather, it's a pretty fucking enormous footprint. Unless you live in a fucking tent and use geothermic energy, then shut your fucking mouth. It's physically impossible to not leave a footprint, so stop believing that you aren't.

And what is this bullshit about how we need to treat animals as equals? I don't want to grant them rights that only we, as humans, should enjoy. No, fuck that. I know for a fucking fact that if a cow had the mental capacity to hunt for it's meals, we would all be fucking food. So why then should we show any mercy in the face of such a (potentially) unstoppable killing machine? We should strike them down now while they're weak. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your children, for they are our future.

I don't want to give the impression that I despise everyone in the world who decides to not eat meat (I do, I just don't want to give that impression). Do it all you friggin' want if that's the lifestyle you choose to follow, I have zero problems with that. Just don't force your dogmatic ideology down my fucking throat. To all those fascists who piss me off with your militant fucking attitudes: go fuck yourselves in the neck. Stop being so goddamn hostile, that's my job. I hope you choke on your alfalfa sandwich you loathsome assholes.

What really pisses me off the most is the narrow-mindedness of these self-righteous retards. The other day a vegan told me that I'm killing the Earth by eating meat. First, that makes no sense, so kindly shut the fuck up. Second, eating more vegetables requires more farmland, which means we have to destroy more forest. For those following along, livestock doesn't need fertile soil, while the food that your pretentiousness requires you to consume, does. Third, go fuck yourself. You want to save the world? You're not going to do it by eating cucumber slices and cottage cheese you dumb cunt. You want to end suffering? How about you end mine by shutting the fuck up for once in your worthless life?

Enjoy your tofu you fucking baby rapists.

Global Warming

I'm not going to preach to you about whether global warming is real or not, because I personally don't give a fuck what you think. What is really irking is how hordes of people just mindlessly agree with a THEORY because Al Gore made a movie and won an Oscar. You know what else won an Oscar? Fucking Shrek. Different categories, but that really brings down the importance when in context. Well he won the Nobel Peace prize! WHO FUCKING CARES? The peace prize has no scientific basis, you can win one for being really nice to everyone (Mother Theresa).

Why, why does this man have such an important opinion? I will never know, because society as a whole can be compared to sheep. Or to a lesser extent, lemmings.

You want evidence that this is a whole lot of hype? I got it right here, just think back on the environmental fads that have been such a threat to humanity... until the next thing came along.
Think for just one second (don't hurt yourself) about the "big" issues of the last 40 years.

Now - Global Warming
1990's - Acid Rain
1980's - Hole in the ozone
1970's - GLOBAL COOLING

So which fad will it be in 2010? Fossil fuel crisis, asteroids, lobster men, radiation, China. Take your pick.

Lets examine a counter point to the popular theory that global warming is solely a man made problem. For instance, a popular counterpoint says that the Earth goes through climate cycles and we are currently in a hot portion.


Along with that, when we look back on past climate history, the period from the 1940s to 1970s the theory of global cooling became popular as snowfall records were shattered and new low temperatures were recorded. Industrialization had been around for 100 years and things had gotten colder after years of "increasing" temperatures. Well ya-fucking-hoo.

*Lets note that Toronto almost broke snowfall records this winter.

Did Mr. Gore forget to mention the period that has been dubbed the "Little Ice Age" that happened between 1300-1500 where the Earth went through a period of gradual cooling, causing glaciers to EXPAND. Now what this means for those of you following along, is that the Earth tends to go through cycles, and could it be that we are in the midst of another cycle and will soon be cast into another ice age. I certainly hope so.

Now lets take a look at something people tend to take for granted; THE SUN. Somehow it has been determined that the only reason the Earth could possibly get hotter is because humankind fucked things up in the process of making this place nice and livable. Instead, how about we look to the source of all heat for the planet, the big unstable flaming ball of hydrogen and helium that we orbit around. We (you, not me) tend to be naive and think the sun is a big ball of consistency but truth is, it most certainly is not. Its a big flaming ball for fuck sakes. It is ever looming towards a bitter end in which its gigantism will eventually consume this excuse of a planet, and then it will explode. Awesome. Anyways, the sun has a life cycle (note the cycle theme) and within that cycle it entails that the sun gets hotter, which is what has been happening over the last 15 years or so. Lets think for a moment kiddies, if the suns surface gets hotter that means... you guessed it, so does the Earth! Regardless of how many hydrocarbons we burn in an effort to make life easy. Let us also note that Mars has gotten warmer recently as well. Could our pollution have travel across the 56 million km space between planets?

However, there is no denying pollution, smog, nuclear winter, and all that good stuff that comes as a by-product of humanity using machinery and electricity. None of those are good by any means (unless you are a communist) but is global warming caused almost solely by pollution? I think not. Pollution is bad, we know that. But could it be possible that the media and governments have used global warming as motivation? Never, because we all know the media and government have no hidden agendas. Ever.

You can research these theories and come up with all the evidence you want. For as I stated in the opening paragraph, I'm not trying to push your opinion in either direction. Rather I am here, as a messiah to bring forth the broad concept that EVERY STORY HAS TWO FUCKING SIDES. You need to know both to have a valid opinion about anything. A one sided opinion just means that you are lazy and ignorant. Fuck you.

End point, this was not solely about global warming. The broader point is to expand your knowledge by learning the point/counterpoint system and stop being such a pathetic sheep or even worse, a lemming. The masses are not always right, if that were true then everyone would still think the Earth is flat and the sun orbits us.

You naive bastards.

Contemporary Art: Part Two

Art can be defined as an expression or application of human creative skill and imagination. This suggests that virtually any expression or message can be defined as art. Yes dearest readers, even contemporary art. While this may be true, THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MAKE IT MEANINGFUL! The most depressing part is these contemporary artist pieces of shit have no clue. They have no fucking clue.

So what do you do? You swallow a bunch of Jell-O and puke on other people's work and then feebly try to defend your actions as an artistic expression, just so you can sit back with a smug fucking look on your face and sneer contemptuously with your nose fixed firmly in the air at those who "don't understand the meaning of artistic expression". This is not meaningful, and is completely devoid of any worth or intellectual thought.

Or what of the fuck-tards who skinned a cat alive? Once again, these depraved wastes of air defended their actions as artistic expression and therefore claimed that it is an acceptable way to conduct oneself in society. Yeah, okay, I get it. No, really, I do. But on the other hand, YOU SKINNED A FUCKING CAT WHILE IT WAS STILL LIVING AND DRAWING BREATH! It's a well known fact that all the most notorious serial-killers and sociopaths in history started out by killing animals as a sick and twisted idea of personal pleasure, so then is it really such a jump to say that misguided artistic expression falls under the same proverbial umbrella? I don't think so. If Jeffrey Dahmer tried to defend his terrible actions as art you would smack him in the goddamn head and say "What the fuck is the matter with you?!" And you would be right to do so.

But it's all in the name of art right? Wrong! In a perfect world, government thugs would come to each and every one of these retards places of residence, haul them into the street, strip them bare, and shoot them in the fucking mouth, in hopes that they will learn the meaning of consequence.

And even when it's not such a disgusting expression, it's still baseless, unhindered fucking stupidity. So you sped up 'Empire Strikes Back' as a comment on the short attention spans of todays generations? Well that's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I've ever seen one you useless motherfucker, because newsflash, cocksucker: NOBODY CARES!

It would be too easy to say this is stupid, because that is beyond obvious. This on the other hand, simply put, does not make sense what-so-ever. Remember now, the idea is short attention spans. Simply put, the people who watch Star Wars, watch Star Wars A LOT. And they aren't short movies either, most of them topping at 150 minutes. So it's simply ridiculous to accuse these people of having short attention spans. And it's not that I hate the message, just don't be a fucking retard about it, be current, rather than referencing a movie from 1980 and simply being outright wrong.

For instance, would it not be more relevant to do something like this: still play sped up video clips, but instead have the images being that of recent disasters covered in the news. Like Hurricane Katrina, where the majority of the audience cared for about two weeks and then just forgot about it. You could show this media coverage, and at the same time, have the frame of the clips constantly shrinking until it was completely non-existent. THERE YOU GO! Exact same message conveyed, but instead of useless mind-numbing stupidity, you have a relevant artistic fucking expression with actual meaning and thought behind it, you useless twat!

Yeah, go ahead, pat yourself on the back for being such great artists you worthless fucking cunts, see if I care. Doing that and saying you have talent as an artist is like saying you're special because you can break a graham cracker along the line. Surely any mirror you walk past has to remind you that you're a fucking moron.

To be more current, I could go on about the bomb-scare at the Royal Ontario Museum. Some jackass OCAD student decided it would be cool to make something resembling a pipe bomb and place it at the steps of the museum with a note attached saying "this is not a bomb". Here are the first problems I have with this:

A) You're an idiot
B) You are not Rene Magritte
C) You're still an idiot

This act served only to cause mass hysteria and panic, unsurprisingly. I mean, it was a fucking bomb scare for Christ's sake. In this case, the underlying idea is that something that is "quite clearly not dangerous, but when you put it in a different context the viewer re-contextualizes it": a fake pipe bomb, and fake YouTube videos showing its fake explosion. With that in mind, there is more stupidity to this already mind-numbingly stupid artistic expression: it took place while there was an AIDS fund raiser at the museum. The result? Streets shut down, bomb squad on hand, and an AIDS gala canceled with hundreds of thousands of charitable dollars lost in AIDS research. All in the name of artistic expression. I should mention that at this point I'm worried for my very life for I am dangerously close to choking to death on my own rage.

Art for art's sake? Go fuck yourself.