Monday, March 31, 2008

Hal Johnson

People that read these writings (thats you.) Contrary to your feeble thoughts and assumptions I am not going to rant about Hal Johnson in a purely hateful manner because I hold a certain amount of respect for this man for several reasons;

A) The interracial couple thing when it was still frowned upon
B) Inspiring people to "Keep Fit, and Have Fun"
C) His wicked mustache

Body Break was as essential to a child of the '90s as the "Stay Alert, Stay Safe" rabbits, the good Batman cartoons, Tiny Toon Adventures and Pinky and the Brain.

No, my qualms do not lie with the Body Break program itself, but rather Hal Johnston's drastic change in appearance that ultimately left me stunned and somewhat heart broken. Thats right, I'm talking about the extermination of the mustache from his face.

That is the man I know and love. Mustache and all. Seriously fucking awesome. So many people trusted this man and took his advice to heart because they believed he was a great man because of his fantastic mustache. Think of people who you know and love based solely on their mustaches.

- Burt Reynolds
- Hulk Hogan
- Tom Selleck
- Adolf Hitler

The list goes on...

The mustache is a staple of manliness and self confidence, a man (or woman) with a mustache just oozes self confidence and they are very sure of what they are telling you, that is why mustached men have such long acting careers.

With that self confidence combined with a catchy slogan and a white woman you create an excellent medium to get YOUR message to the world and we eat it up. Hal used his mustache to gain our trust and then he disposed of it like a used condom. This man is not to be trusted.

* Note the lack of mustache

Hal, what the fuck have you done? You have betrayed the public's trust by pulling this disappearing act with the mustache and now what are you? Just another black guy with no mustache. How am I supposed to believe anything you say now? Is that fancy degree going to win back the confidence of the public? Not a fucking chance.

Your decision to shave your mustache has tainted your credibility as an extremely minor celebrity. Is exercise even THAT good for you? I don't even know anymore.

Grow back the mustache you once-dynamic man.

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