Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Car Accident Woes Part 2.

For for those who care, court date came and went. Hired a Pointts guy which set me back about $600, but i did not have to drive down to mississauga on dec 23 and miss a day of work.
All charges dropped and no fine. Fucking ordeal is just over a month away from being forgotten for the rest of my life.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Economic Hysteria

This will be brief.

- Media is scaring people shitless with the constant coverage on the economy and how we're all fucked.
- People then react by not buying anything because the media has spooked them.
- Media then notes how people are not buying any consumer retail products anymore because they'd rather use their money to dig themselves out of debt or put it in a savings account...which is what the media told them to do.
- Media then blames people and forecasts even more bleak economic times.


Cycle of retardation

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Gas price insanity

Ok, I understand that gas is expensive, especially if you drive an assload. What really makes me smile though is how people get particularly hyped over minute drops in prices, like people fleeing to the pumps at a 2cent drop.

Heres some math to show how dumb this is.
Ok, this is based on having a 50L tank (car sized)
50L @ 100cents a liter = $50
50L @ 110cents a liter = $55
50L @ 120cents a liter = $60
50L @ 130cents a liter = $65

Those are significant jumps in price mind you. Now, think of the knobs who try to milk every drop of gas when it drops 2cents, they save a total of $1 per fillup. However, the time spent in line idling with fellow crazed idiots they ended up using $4 in gas.

Yes I'm aware that shit totals up after awhile, but the idea of driving extra blocks or kilometers in order to save $1 is ridiculous. I'm all for capitalism otherwise, lowest price for the same product will always win, but at the issue of convenience and sanity. Fuck off.

Low prices are nice, but think of how petty you are being over such a miniscule amount of gas.

Hell, I drive a big van and won't sit in line with those crazy people even if im saving $5, because they freak me out at just how incredibly insane they become. I hope they are getting watered down gas as punishment.

Friday, August 22, 2008


How are you
How ya doing
Whats up
whats goin' on

These are but a few examples of mindless pleasantries that we all must endure on a daily basis. It's not so much that I hate the idea of inquiring into how someones day is going or what they are doing, but rather the fact that the action of inquiry has become so watered down that nobody sincerely gives a fuck.

You could say, well I'm having a shitty day, my wife left me and my dog exploded. But the person who asked will say something to the effect of "Thats terrible...but now to my business".

Now, there are exceptions. People like myself actually use this brief opening to set the stage for many conversations. For example "What's up?" and I'll reply "well I just finished downloading some music". Why do i reply as such? Because it actually starts some conversation, in this case the topic will be music. This is a significant improvement over "n2m u?"

When I glancingly pass you on the street and we're each on our own ways i don't care for such fucking formalities. Why, because I'm a busy fucking person, but I'm not a rude bastard. A simple "hey" or "hello" or god forbid even a nice tilt of the head in acknowledgement of each other is acceptable.

Save your fucking breath, when you start a conversation you better set the topic right from the beginning. A greeting starts the conversation, if you initiate the conversation you better have a fucking reason. Mindless chitchat is what's ruining people, so the simple solution is to cut the bullshit.

If you irritate me on a consistent basis with the same rehashed pleasantries then I may have to punch you right in the reproductive organs so that you can't reproduce more foolish children.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Text Messaging

So children, it seems that cellular phone giants Bell and Telus have decided to be a bunch of greedy cocksuckers (again) and start charging users fifteen cents for every incoming text message on their cell phones. I find this an appropriate time as any to voice how fucking stupid text messaging is, so join me as I entrench myself in my own hatred for the gratuitous staple of modern communication that is texting.

First off, their dumbass reasoning behind this telecommunications equivalent to an abortion. They say that with the phenomenal growth in popularity of text messaging, the increasing volume places a strain on their network. Thus, they say they can no longer afford to provide the service for free. Here's the kicker: it isn't free you fucking cock holsters! That's what monthly plans and service charges are for. I've already been bled dry to use my fucking phone now you're charging me for what others choose to do with theirs? Fuck off.

I know, I can hear you asking "But Derek, why don't you just switch providers if the one you have now sucks so hard?" Well Bell (my provider) says nay nay. If you break your contract with them you must pay $20 for every month remaining on your contract up to $400. Fuck.

I've long maintained a rather contemptuous stance on the subject of text messaging in general. First off, it's a phone, use it the way it was intended to be used and just fucking speak to me you loathsome assholes. When people arrange plans with me through text messaging, it takes such a long and arduous amount of time to hammer out the simplest plan that by the time arrangements are complete I'm so fucking angry that I never want to see the person in question again. Then I realize that if I don't hang out with them all I just went through was a complete waste, so I remain friends with them purely out of spite. In what would have been a two minute conversation on the phone usually amounts to about forty back-and-forth text messages between two or more people. Whenever I get a text message in which a response is implied, I call the person back. I'd rather yell into my phone than use my fingers like a fucking animal.

The worst part is that I have virtually no way of actually stopping people from texting me, therefore I get charged no matter what. Effectively I've been bent over a barrel and am currently being fucked in the ass by the long, hard dick that is Bell Canada. What's worse is that I'm literally paying them to sodomize me. From a business standpoint it's commendable what these phone companies (henceforth known as baby rapists) have done. They just exponentially increased their profit margin, and have made us all a victim. Now my life is lived in constant fear that some jackass "friend" of mine will choose the most inappropriate method of getting ahold of me. Indeed, all is lost.

Do you need to reach me? Then you'd better dial my fucking number, because if I have to pay fifteen hard earned cents to suffer your syntax error and emoticon laden salutation I will fucking stab you. Straight up.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Soccer Douchebaggery

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good soccer game as much as the next guy. But what really annoys me at about the same time most years is how everyone and their mom becomes a huge soccer aficionado.

These people will show absolutely no interest in soccer for eleven months of the year besides the highlights they accidentally watch via Sports Centre while enjoying their pop tarts, ironing their polo shirt collars so they stick up nicely and spraying Axe on their flip-flops, they will have had no contact with soccer.

Then a major tournament rolls around, whether it be the World Cup, the Euro, or the World Juniors, all of a sudden everyone acts like they've rediscovered their fucking heritage, with a new sense of patriotism in tow. These are also the assholes with flags hanging out of their cars.

How can someone, who does not speak of soccer in any way, shape, or form for almost an entire year, somehow manage to talk players, stats, predictions and God knows what else with fellow bar patrons and fans. I am aware that these big tournaments only go on annually, but so much silence is suspicious at best. How can one go from not watching for eleven months, to suddenly knowing what shoe size their entire teams striking line wears? Many can speculate on the cause, my guess is that they actually pay attention to Sports Centre clips now, eat up the names and then violently vomit them out to anybody who will listen.

Now, for any loyal soccer fans reading, you may already guess that these rantings are not directed at you. But rather at those bandwagon hoppers who you are able to point out from across the bar, but begrudgingly hangout with because they have a rather burly looking group of equally stupid friends.

I don't pretend to know anything about "clubs", players, stats or any of that stuff. Rather I pick a team, watch them play from time to time, then move on with my life. It’s like any other sporting event that’s on for a short period, such as the Olympics.

This is not an isolated occurrence either. But rather the most easily identifiable and current version of sports douchebaggery, which I will hereby dub as the TSN strain of douchefag. No dedication, just spewing the same shit that a highlight reel would provide. Seriously, it’s okay to casually enjoy something and it's all right to live and breathe. But don’t casually enjoy something and pretend it’s your fucking life.

Also, here in North America. Football is pronounced "sock-err”, you god damn fuckbag. I will only accept football if you are in fact, from anywhere other than North America.

Posers, I’m not done with yelling about you yet. Thankfully I will have a stupendous two years of silence until the World Cup comes around, TSN douchefag free.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Probiotic Yogurt

I like to think of myself as a relatively health conscious person, but all too often now I witness a commercial for any given yogurt and they advertise "Oh shit son, we got us a probiotic culture in this yogurt that is exclusive to our company. Go buy it." Allow me to tell you why this infuriates me.

Now for those of you who aren't "in the know" probiotic bacteria are intended to assist the body's naturally occurring gut flora, an ecology of microbes, to re-establish themselves. Those useful little bacteria live in symbiosis with us and basically help break down food. Yes, your shit stinks because of them.

I shall address several problems with food claims.

1. Who gives a fuck if you have this exclusive culture? There are so many different bacteria in your colon that we still haven't discovered or even named all of them. Fuck, you could be making it up and no ignorant consumer twat would know the difference.

2. There is no supporting evidence that eating so and so will replenish completely devastated gut flora. It has been known to "be of aid" after having a heavy dose of antibiotics, but regular consumption to boost? Fuck you. By raising one bacteria’s population you are inevitable lowering another.

3. Attitudes associated with buying these products. Like you're fucking Bruce Willis from "Unbreakable". If I was a commercial and told you that eating shit was good for you, chances are you would grudgingly accept it and go out and mow down on whatever feces you can find first.

4. Yogurt is fermented milk, meaning bacteria breaks down the milk into other sugars and such. I could claim that bread and wine are probiotic because they utilize bacteria too.

5. You have no fucking clue what any of these cultures do.

6. E. Coli is a probiotic bacterium. Go eat some raw hamburger. Don't actually eat raw hamburger...

If someone were to come up and say to me;
I'm drinking probiotic wine
I'm eating probiotic bread
I'm eating probiotic yogurt
All I hear is "I'm a health douche"

End point. Yogurt is good, and good for you. It was already probiotic to begin with though; you are buying into marketing hype. Unless you are some dietician with a book of good bacteria then really, what clue do you have other than what the company is telling you?