Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Probiotic Yogurt

I like to think of myself as a relatively health conscious person, but all too often now I witness a commercial for any given yogurt and they advertise "Oh shit son, we got us a probiotic culture in this yogurt that is exclusive to our company. Go buy it." Allow me to tell you why this infuriates me.

Now for those of you who aren't "in the know" probiotic bacteria are intended to assist the body's naturally occurring gut flora, an ecology of microbes, to re-establish themselves. Those useful little bacteria live in symbiosis with us and basically help break down food. Yes, your shit stinks because of them.

I shall address several problems with food claims.

1. Who gives a fuck if you have this exclusive culture? There are so many different bacteria in your colon that we still haven't discovered or even named all of them. Fuck, you could be making it up and no ignorant consumer twat would know the difference.

2. There is no supporting evidence that eating so and so will replenish completely devastated gut flora. It has been known to "be of aid" after having a heavy dose of antibiotics, but regular consumption to boost? Fuck you. By raising one bacteria’s population you are inevitable lowering another.

3. Attitudes associated with buying these products. Like you're fucking Bruce Willis from "Unbreakable". If I was a commercial and told you that eating shit was good for you, chances are you would grudgingly accept it and go out and mow down on whatever feces you can find first.

4. Yogurt is fermented milk, meaning bacteria breaks down the milk into other sugars and such. I could claim that bread and wine are probiotic because they utilize bacteria too.

5. You have no fucking clue what any of these cultures do.

6. E. Coli is a probiotic bacterium. Go eat some raw hamburger. Don't actually eat raw hamburger...

If someone were to come up and say to me;
I'm drinking probiotic wine
I'm eating probiotic bread
I'm eating probiotic yogurt
All I hear is "I'm a health douche"

End point. Yogurt is good, and good for you. It was already probiotic to begin with though; you are buying into marketing hype. Unless you are some dietician with a book of good bacteria then really, what clue do you have other than what the company is telling you?

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