Saturday, June 7, 2008

Soccer Douchebaggery

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good soccer game as much as the next guy. But what really annoys me at about the same time most years is how everyone and their mom becomes a huge soccer aficionado.

These people will show absolutely no interest in soccer for eleven months of the year besides the highlights they accidentally watch via Sports Centre while enjoying their pop tarts, ironing their polo shirt collars so they stick up nicely and spraying Axe on their flip-flops, they will have had no contact with soccer.

Then a major tournament rolls around, whether it be the World Cup, the Euro, or the World Juniors, all of a sudden everyone acts like they've rediscovered their fucking heritage, with a new sense of patriotism in tow. These are also the assholes with flags hanging out of their cars.

How can someone, who does not speak of soccer in any way, shape, or form for almost an entire year, somehow manage to talk players, stats, predictions and God knows what else with fellow bar patrons and fans. I am aware that these big tournaments only go on annually, but so much silence is suspicious at best. How can one go from not watching for eleven months, to suddenly knowing what shoe size their entire teams striking line wears? Many can speculate on the cause, my guess is that they actually pay attention to Sports Centre clips now, eat up the names and then violently vomit them out to anybody who will listen.

Now, for any loyal soccer fans reading, you may already guess that these rantings are not directed at you. But rather at those bandwagon hoppers who you are able to point out from across the bar, but begrudgingly hangout with because they have a rather burly looking group of equally stupid friends.

I don't pretend to know anything about "clubs", players, stats or any of that stuff. Rather I pick a team, watch them play from time to time, then move on with my life. It’s like any other sporting event that’s on for a short period, such as the Olympics.

This is not an isolated occurrence either. But rather the most easily identifiable and current version of sports douchebaggery, which I will hereby dub as the TSN strain of douchefag. No dedication, just spewing the same shit that a highlight reel would provide. Seriously, it’s okay to casually enjoy something and it's all right to live and breathe. But don’t casually enjoy something and pretend it’s your fucking life.

Also, here in North America. Football is pronounced "sock-err”, you god damn fuckbag. I will only accept football if you are in fact, from anywhere other than North America.

Posers, I’m not done with yelling about you yet. Thankfully I will have a stupendous two years of silence until the World Cup comes around, TSN douchefag free.

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