So children, it seems that cellular phone giants Bell and Telus have decided to be a bunch of greedy cocksuckers (again) and start charging users fifteen cents for every incoming text message on their cell phones. I find this an appropriate time as any to voice how fucking stupid text messaging is, so join me as I entrench myself in my own hatred for the gratuitous staple of modern communication that is texting.
First off, their dumbass reasoning behind this telecommunications equivalent to an abortion. They say that with the phenomenal growth in popularity of text messaging, the increasing volume places a strain on their network. Thus, they say they can no longer afford to provide the service for free. Here's the kicker: it isn't free you fucking cock holsters! That's what monthly plans and service charges are for. I've already been bled dry to use my fucking phone now you're charging me for what others choose to do with theirs? Fuck off.
I know, I can hear you asking "But Derek, why don't you just switch providers if the one you have now sucks so hard?" Well Bell (my provider) says nay nay. If you break your contract with them you must pay $20 for every month remaining on your contract up to $400. Fuck.
I've long maintained a rather contemptuous stance on the subject of text messaging in general. First off, it's a phone, use it the way it was intended to be used and just fucking speak to me you loathsome assholes. When people arrange plans with me through text messaging, it takes such a long and arduous amount of time to hammer out the simplest plan that by the time arrangements are complete I'm so fucking angry that I never want to see the person in question again. Then I realize that if I don't hang out with them all I just went through was a complete waste, so I remain friends with them purely out of spite. In what would have been a two minute conversation on the phone usually amounts to about forty back-and-forth text messages between two or more people. Whenever I get a text message in which a response is implied, I call the person back. I'd rather yell into my phone than use my fingers like a fucking animal.
The worst part is that I have virtually no way of actually stopping people from texting me, therefore I get charged no matter what. Effectively I've been bent over a barrel and am currently being fucked in the ass by the long, hard dick that is Bell Canada. What's worse is that I'm literally paying them to sodomize me. From a business standpoint it's commendable what these phone companies (henceforth known as baby rapists) have done. They just exponentially increased their profit margin, and have made us all a victim. Now my life is lived in constant fear that some jackass "friend" of mine will choose the most inappropriate method of getting ahold of me. Indeed, all is lost.
Do you need to reach me? Then you'd better dial my fucking number, because if I have to pay fifteen hard earned cents to suffer your syntax error and emoticon laden salutation I will fucking stab you. Straight up.