Water

Water. Motherfucking water. You should think that there is no real reason to be so goddamn pissed about something so simple and pure and beautiful as water. After all, it's the essence of life, but somehow in the past few years or so we have managed to fuck it up in so many fucking ways.

What pisses me off so much about water? Well I'll fucking tell you what pisses me off. First, so-called "flavoured water". The idea is this; water, nature's original refreshment, accented with a hint of flavour. Well newsflash you cocksucker: there's no such thing as flavoured water! Any change in flavour and it becomes fucking juice. Now it's a soft drink, I hope you enjoy it you fucking twats.

Let me make this perfectly clear, if you alter the state of water in ANY way, it ceases to become water. It becomes ice, water vapour, or FUCKING JUICE! The very idea of this shit is so painful to my intelligence that I'm considering shoving my cock in the microwave just to take my mind off of it. I'm almost certain it would hurt less than this unrelenting stupidity.

It's not that I inherently hate the drink itself. You want to drink weak juice with some vitamins in it? Fine, I don't give a shit. Really, I don't. Just for the love of Christ do NOT have the audacity to call it water, it's shitty juice and you fucking know it you son of a bitch.

What else is causing my rage aneurysm you ask? If you guessed baseball cards you're close, but it's bottled water. This bullshit is the stupidest thing of all time and I include nazism in that. Everyone pays taxes to have clean, pure water flowing directly into our homes, and all we need to do to get it is turn on the tap. Awesome.

But what do we get? People leaving the safety of their homes to search for water, like our fucking ancestors did. Are you kidding me?! Why are people stupid enough to do something so, well, stupid? The main reason can be blamed on the fact that people are told to believe that bottled water is cleaner and safer than tap water. Fuck off. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. Bottled water is a business, and they have turned one of our few universal human rights into a product, end of story. The purpose of any business is to make money, and that's just what they are doing. It's genius really, what other product can you take out of the ground for nothing, put in a bottle, and sell back to people for more than the price of gasoline?

Now there are situations where bottled water is acceptable, like if your town's supply has been contaminated or is unsafe to drink, but we already have clean pure water flowing into our home, in fact here in Canada we have some of the purest cleanest tap water in the entire world. We're guzzling down this shit and filling landfills up to the tits with billions of plastic bottles. Not to mention the packaging of the water itself is ridiculously irresponsible, being over one hundred times more energy intensive than the already very efficient way water is distributed to cities. While this is happening, people in many other parts of the world don't even have the commodity of clean water. It's almost sickening to even think of.

Coke and Pepsi know what the fuck is up. They saw this shit and decided to bottle their own water. Coke came up with Dasani, and Pepsi has Aquafina. Yeah, who knows cleanliness and purity better than Coke and Pepsi? They're using their financial resources, marketing and transportation to make money hand over fist selling Coke and Pepsi without syrup for as much as Coke and Pepsi. It's things like this that make me die a little bit on the inside, I hope you're fucking happy.

Furthermore, just because you're in the store spending two dollars on a bottle of water doesnt mean its better than what you get out of the tap. Of all the bottled water companies examined in North America, 33% violated their own industry standards of safety. How does this happen? Because there is a discrepancy between the regulation of tap water and bottled water. The FDA is in charge of regulating bottled water rather than the EPA. The difference? The EPA has hundreds of people to ensure the safety and purity of tap water, where the FDA has only one person to regulate the purity of bottled water. Still think bottled water is better than tap? If not, then maybe you should check at the bottom of the nutritional facts (I'm not even touching that one, if I do I will most certainly lose my fucking mind) and notice that many bottled water companies say that the water is from "a municipal source". Do you know what that means? IT'S FUCKING TAP WATER! These fuckers are literally taking the water you already paid for and selling it back to you for absolutely biblical amounts of money, and you're just drinking it right up.

You may say that there are bigger problems out there, and I would agree whole-heartedly. There are bigger problems out there, so why get so pissed about water? I'll tell you why. Bottled water is not important in the grand scheme of things, but it is a symptom of much larger problems and easily avoidable ones at that. Those problems are rampant consumerism and an environmental disconnect. Think about what's going on, it's time to gain some perspective.

I am personally going to stick my dick in every bottle of water that is manufactured from now on.