Monday, March 31, 2008

Hal Johnson

People that read these writings (thats you.) Contrary to your feeble thoughts and assumptions I am not going to rant about Hal Johnson in a purely hateful manner because I hold a certain amount of respect for this man for several reasons;

A) The interracial couple thing when it was still frowned upon
B) Inspiring people to "Keep Fit, and Have Fun"
C) His wicked mustache

Body Break was as essential to a child of the '90s as the "Stay Alert, Stay Safe" rabbits, the good Batman cartoons, Tiny Toon Adventures and Pinky and the Brain.

No, my qualms do not lie with the Body Break program itself, but rather Hal Johnston's drastic change in appearance that ultimately left me stunned and somewhat heart broken. Thats right, I'm talking about the extermination of the mustache from his face.


That is the man I know and love. Mustache and all. Seriously fucking awesome. So many people trusted this man and took his advice to heart because they believed he was a great man because of his fantastic mustache. Think of people who you know and love based solely on their mustaches.

- Burt Reynolds
- Hulk Hogan
- Tom Selleck
- Adolf Hitler

The list goes on...

The mustache is a staple of manliness and self confidence, a man (or woman) with a mustache just oozes self confidence and they are very sure of what they are telling you, that is why mustached men have such long acting careers.

With that self confidence combined with a catchy slogan and a white woman you create an excellent medium to get YOUR message to the world and we eat it up. Hal used his mustache to gain our trust and then he disposed of it like a used condom. This man is not to be trusted.


* Note the lack of mustache

Hal, what the fuck have you done? You have betrayed the public's trust by pulling this disappearing act with the mustache and now what are you? Just another black guy with no mustache. How am I supposed to believe anything you say now? Is that fancy degree going to win back the confidence of the public? Not a fucking chance.

Your decision to shave your mustache has tainted your credibility as an extremely minor celebrity. Is exercise even THAT good for you? I don't even know anymore.

Grow back the mustache you once-dynamic man.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Disposable Razor Blades

Loyal readers, I'm sure you are well aware that I hate a lot of things, but the object of my fury at this particular moment is the scam that is disposable razors. I am a casual shaver and therefore do not go through blades very quickly, but when I visited a Shoppers Drug Mart yesterday to consider purchasing a 4-pack of blades for my Fusion (which I got for free) I was alarmed, outraged, and genuinely pissed that this small package would end up costing me just over $21.

While researching I found multiple advertisements that said I should be changing my blades every three uses. To that I say FUCK YOU. Lets do some math (if you are competent enough to follow along).

For instance, I shave 3 times per week (give or take)
Meaning I should change my blade once per week.
4 Weeks in a month means one refill pack per month.
12 months x $21/pack = $252 a year
$252 divided by 48 blades = $5.25 per week
Fuck that.

Lets use people 15+ as a template for how shitty this actually is. Both men and women because both got regions to keep tidy.
2006 Stats Canada Census says that 20% of the population is under 15. That leaves us with 80% of the popular able to shave (give or take)
Population of 32million/0.8 = 25.6 Million people that presumably shave.
Lets assume that those 25.6 million people shave 3 times a week for simplicity sake.
25.6 million X 48 razors used per year = 1,228,800,000 disposable razors used annually.
Those 1,228,800,000 being $5.25 a piece equates to a mighty $6,451,200,000 spent on razors annually by Canadians. Thats right, 6.45 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.
That is fucking ridiculous. To emphasize my point, an aircraft carrier costs 4.5 billion.

Now keep in mind these are all theoretical numbers. When in reality I change my blades when the shave becomes so terrible the blades pull the hair off my face rather then gently slice it off. So that number would be more around $50 tops a year for myself. But those who do religiously change their blades make up for this outlier result.

Lets analyze the actual razors though, I will share my thoughts on the Gillette Fusion of what I have designated "5 Blade Badass". So you say "more blades = better?" Well in theory, yes. However, they have placed the blades too close to each other leading to mass clogging issues. Half a pass on thicker regions and I am required to rinse. However it does provide a close shave.

The cost of hygiene is fucking ridiculous and I am enraged to even ponder how much money the various disposable razor companies are making annually. Make me a fucking straight razor and I will use it. Why? Because it's almost as badass as using a sword to shave with, I can sharpen it myself and that is smooth.

I'm actually paralyzed with rage at this moment because of how much money is used, let alone the environmental consequences of throwing out 1.2 billion sharp objects.

I send a big "Fuck you!" the following companies;
* BIC Corporation
* Braun (company)
* DOVO Solingen
* Global Gillette
* Headblade
* Norelco
* Philips
* Philishave
* Remington Products
* Rolls Razor
* Straight Razor
* Thiers Issard
* Wilkinson Sword

Vegans: Part Two

Vegan: a person who abstains from consuming any food from an animal origin. What the definition is missing is the fact that almost every person who proclaims to be a vegan inherits a terribly militant attitude towards everyone else. This hostility possibly stems from a defensive nature that take because their reasons for such a lifestyle are so poor. It should be noted that even within the vegan community there is a degree of elitism as to what level each person takes their eating habits. Guess what, there is no fucking winning with these people. The only way they will regard your opinion is if you either;

A) Work for the propaganda machine known as PETA
B) Eat dirt

Follow me, as I break down the hypocrisies of the vegan lifestyle and determine just why the fuck these people think they are the greatest thing on the planet.

First, let me criticize those who take on the lifestyle, but have no clue what they are doing and just cut out all animal products without replacing them. Sad fact, your body requires proteins, fats and many vitamins/nutrients that we normally obtain through eating meat and by eliminating those from your diet you leave yourself susceptible to lowered immune system, weight loss, malnutrition, and nutrient deficiency. Fantastic. First, to combat this you must eat a varied diet and in some cases take supplements in order to stay healthy. Secondly, eating more vegetables requires more farmland which means we have to destroy more forest to produce those tasty fruits and vegetables. Third, fuck you for being a burden on the health-care system.

Also, fuck you for designing tofu to taste like meat products. Tofu turkey? Fuck off. When you gave up meat you gave up its delicious taste. Same goes to veggie burgers.

So you say "eating meat is killing the planet" well that may be so, seeing as meat provides 1/10 the overall energy provided by plants and livestock requires a lot of grazing land. This is where factory farms come into play, they minimize space and maximize product at the expense of animals having personal space. I'm not even going to go into factory farms being cruel to animals, because I have no clue what is comfortable to an animal and NEITHER DO YOU. Rather we pamper them with human standards of comfort, which for all we know is incorrect.

No dairy products? Come on. Now I should clarify that I do not support the estrogen injections associated with increased milk production. With that said, milking is the harvesting of excess milk (excess because calves are not starving because we needed another gallon for the shelf) by massaging the tits of some mammal. Truly cruelty to animals.

Hiding behind the PETA banner is infuriating to say the least. They flood you with propaganda and you choke it down like a tofu hot dog (fuck you). When in reality you are being subjected to images that tug on your heartstrings like a proverbial harp. "Oh look at the cute animal dying". Yet you don't blink an eye at some repulsive or not so cute creature being digested (fish much?). On that note, why don't you visit petakillsanimals.com and tell me what you think of your favourite organization.

Finally, stop fucking complaining about food services not catering to you. Food services are devoted to making money from a large majority of a population, and you know what? Vegans on average making up less than 0.5% of any given western population. As a man of reason I am able to conclude that from a business perspective, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING DEMOGRAPHIC WORTH CATERING TO. You chose the lifestyle now fucking live with it.

Now I'm not condemning the whole damn movement. Because that would be ignorant (take a lesson). Rather this is directed solely at those who have no clue how to be a vegan or why they are a vegan but yet manage to hold themselves on a higher pedestal than everybody else. Some vegans I can even bring myself to respect because they have a good thing going for them and know how to do things right. The rest of you blind and ignorant fucks should take a lesson from these people.

In conclusion, stop being such a smug and demanding ignorant fuck by shoving your moral convictions on others who really don't give a damn. Also, don't believe everything PETA says, that goes back to my previous point of being a retarded lemming.

Either do it right and don't complain, or don't do it at all.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Vegans: Part One

Do you know what pisses me off? Everything. Do you know what pisses me off this very instant? Vegans. I'm sure you've all gotten the impression that vegans consider themselves morally superior to every other human being because they don't eat meat. How is it that as soon as someone stops eating meat they suddenly become a saint of Christ-like proportions? You say you can't eat meat? Well then you're not fucking trying hard enough.

I know you've heard this before: "Oh, I don't like to eat meat because of the cruel ways the animals are treated while they're alive". Well, guess what? Now that animal died in vain you heartless piece of shit. All the cruelty it endured in life was for nothing. You could at least have the decency to honour its sacrifice by consuming its sweet delicious carcass. But no, you still have such an inferiority complex that you need to find ways to make yourself morally superior to me in your eyes. Give me a fucking break.

Then you have people who feel self-righteous about how they are "leaving the smallest ecological footprint on the Earth". Well that's just precious, but what about all the land that is cleared to grow the crappy food you just love so much? Do you have any idea the amount of natural habitats, flora and fauna that is destroyed just to grow that shit? I don't know about you, but that footstep doesn't seem very small at all. Rather, it's a pretty fucking enormous footprint. Unless you live in a fucking tent and use geothermic energy, then shut your fucking mouth. It's physically impossible to not leave a footprint, so stop believing that you aren't.

And what is this bullshit about how we need to treat animals as equals? I don't want to grant them rights that only we, as humans, should enjoy. No, fuck that. I know for a fucking fact that if a cow had the mental capacity to hunt for it's meals, we would all be fucking food. So why then should we show any mercy in the face of such a (potentially) unstoppable killing machine? We should strike them down now while they're weak. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your children, for they are our future.

I don't want to give the impression that I despise everyone in the world who decides to not eat meat (I do, I just don't want to give that impression). Do it all you friggin' want if that's the lifestyle you choose to follow, I have zero problems with that. Just don't force your dogmatic ideology down my fucking throat. To all those fascists who piss me off with your militant fucking attitudes: go fuck yourselves in the neck. Stop being so goddamn hostile, that's my job. I hope you choke on your alfalfa sandwich you loathsome assholes.

What really pisses me off the most is the narrow-mindedness of these self-righteous retards. The other day a vegan told me that I'm killing the Earth by eating meat. First, that makes no sense, so kindly shut the fuck up. Second, eating more vegetables requires more farmland, which means we have to destroy more forest. For those following along, livestock doesn't need fertile soil, while the food that your pretentiousness requires you to consume, does. Third, go fuck yourself. You want to save the world? You're not going to do it by eating cucumber slices and cottage cheese you dumb cunt. You want to end suffering? How about you end mine by shutting the fuck up for once in your worthless life?

Enjoy your tofu you fucking baby rapists.

Global Warming

I'm not going to preach to you about whether global warming is real or not, because I personally don't give a fuck what you think. What is really irking is how hordes of people just mindlessly agree with a THEORY because Al Gore made a movie and won an Oscar. You know what else won an Oscar? Fucking Shrek. Different categories, but that really brings down the importance when in context. Well he won the Nobel Peace prize! WHO FUCKING CARES? The peace prize has no scientific basis, you can win one for being really nice to everyone (Mother Theresa).

Why, why does this man have such an important opinion? I will never know, because society as a whole can be compared to sheep. Or to a lesser extent, lemmings.

You want evidence that this is a whole lot of hype? I got it right here, just think back on the environmental fads that have been such a threat to humanity... until the next thing came along.
Think for just one second (don't hurt yourself) about the "big" issues of the last 40 years.

Now - Global Warming
1990's - Acid Rain
1980's - Hole in the ozone
1970's - GLOBAL COOLING

So which fad will it be in 2010? Fossil fuel crisis, asteroids, lobster men, radiation, China. Take your pick.

Lets examine a counter point to the popular theory that global warming is solely a man made problem. For instance, a popular counterpoint says that the Earth goes through climate cycles and we are currently in a hot portion.


Along with that, when we look back on past climate history, the period from the 1940s to 1970s the theory of global cooling became popular as snowfall records were shattered and new low temperatures were recorded. Industrialization had been around for 100 years and things had gotten colder after years of "increasing" temperatures. Well ya-fucking-hoo.

*Lets note that Toronto almost broke snowfall records this winter.

Did Mr. Gore forget to mention the period that has been dubbed the "Little Ice Age" that happened between 1300-1500 where the Earth went through a period of gradual cooling, causing glaciers to EXPAND. Now what this means for those of you following along, is that the Earth tends to go through cycles, and could it be that we are in the midst of another cycle and will soon be cast into another ice age. I certainly hope so.

Now lets take a look at something people tend to take for granted; THE SUN. Somehow it has been determined that the only reason the Earth could possibly get hotter is because humankind fucked things up in the process of making this place nice and livable. Instead, how about we look to the source of all heat for the planet, the big unstable flaming ball of hydrogen and helium that we orbit around. We (you, not me) tend to be naive and think the sun is a big ball of consistency but truth is, it most certainly is not. Its a big flaming ball for fuck sakes. It is ever looming towards a bitter end in which its gigantism will eventually consume this excuse of a planet, and then it will explode. Awesome. Anyways, the sun has a life cycle (note the cycle theme) and within that cycle it entails that the sun gets hotter, which is what has been happening over the last 15 years or so. Lets think for a moment kiddies, if the suns surface gets hotter that means... you guessed it, so does the Earth! Regardless of how many hydrocarbons we burn in an effort to make life easy. Let us also note that Mars has gotten warmer recently as well. Could our pollution have travel across the 56 million km space between planets?

However, there is no denying pollution, smog, nuclear winter, and all that good stuff that comes as a by-product of humanity using machinery and electricity. None of those are good by any means (unless you are a communist) but is global warming caused almost solely by pollution? I think not. Pollution is bad, we know that. But could it be possible that the media and governments have used global warming as motivation? Never, because we all know the media and government have no hidden agendas. Ever.

You can research these theories and come up with all the evidence you want. For as I stated in the opening paragraph, I'm not trying to push your opinion in either direction. Rather I am here, as a messiah to bring forth the broad concept that EVERY STORY HAS TWO FUCKING SIDES. You need to know both to have a valid opinion about anything. A one sided opinion just means that you are lazy and ignorant. Fuck you.

End point, this was not solely about global warming. The broader point is to expand your knowledge by learning the point/counterpoint system and stop being such a pathetic sheep or even worse, a lemming. The masses are not always right, if that were true then everyone would still think the Earth is flat and the sun orbits us.

You naive bastards.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Contemporary Art: Part Two

Art can be defined as an expression or application of human creative skill and imagination. This suggests that virtually any expression or message can be defined as art. Yes dearest readers, even contemporary art. While this may be true, THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MAKE IT MEANINGFUL! The most depressing part is these contemporary artist pieces of shit have no clue. They have no fucking clue.

So what do you do? You swallow a bunch of Jell-O and puke on other people's work and then feebly try to defend your actions as an artistic expression, just so you can sit back with a smug fucking look on your face and sneer contemptuously with your nose fixed firmly in the air at those who "don't understand the meaning of artistic expression". This is not meaningful, and is completely devoid of any worth or intellectual thought.

Or what of the fuck-tards who skinned a cat alive? Once again, these depraved wastes of air defended their actions as artistic expression and therefore claimed that it is an acceptable way to conduct oneself in society. Yeah, okay, I get it. No, really, I do. But on the other hand, YOU SKINNED A FUCKING CAT WHILE IT WAS STILL LIVING AND DRAWING BREATH! It's a well known fact that all the most notorious serial-killers and sociopaths in history started out by killing animals as a sick and twisted idea of personal pleasure, so then is it really such a jump to say that misguided artistic expression falls under the same proverbial umbrella? I don't think so. If Jeffrey Dahmer tried to defend his terrible actions as art you would smack him in the goddamn head and say "What the fuck is the matter with you?!" And you would be right to do so.

But it's all in the name of art right? Wrong! In a perfect world, government thugs would come to each and every one of these retards places of residence, haul them into the street, strip them bare, and shoot them in the fucking mouth, in hopes that they will learn the meaning of consequence.

And even when it's not such a disgusting expression, it's still baseless, unhindered fucking stupidity. So you sped up 'Empire Strikes Back' as a comment on the short attention spans of todays generations? Well that's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I've ever seen one you useless motherfucker, because newsflash, cocksucker: NOBODY CARES!

It would be too easy to say this is stupid, because that is beyond obvious. This on the other hand, simply put, does not make sense what-so-ever. Remember now, the idea is short attention spans. Simply put, the people who watch Star Wars, watch Star Wars A LOT. And they aren't short movies either, most of them topping at 150 minutes. So it's simply ridiculous to accuse these people of having short attention spans. And it's not that I hate the message, just don't be a fucking retard about it, be current, rather than referencing a movie from 1980 and simply being outright wrong.

For instance, would it not be more relevant to do something like this: still play sped up video clips, but instead have the images being that of recent disasters covered in the news. Like Hurricane Katrina, where the majority of the audience cared for about two weeks and then just forgot about it. You could show this media coverage, and at the same time, have the frame of the clips constantly shrinking until it was completely non-existent. THERE YOU GO! Exact same message conveyed, but instead of useless mind-numbing stupidity, you have a relevant artistic fucking expression with actual meaning and thought behind it, you useless twat!

Yeah, go ahead, pat yourself on the back for being such great artists you worthless fucking cunts, see if I care. Doing that and saying you have talent as an artist is like saying you're special because you can break a graham cracker along the line. Surely any mirror you walk past has to remind you that you're a fucking moron.

To be more current, I could go on about the bomb-scare at the Royal Ontario Museum. Some jackass OCAD student decided it would be cool to make something resembling a pipe bomb and place it at the steps of the museum with a note attached saying "this is not a bomb". Here are the first problems I have with this:

A) You're an idiot
B) You are not Rene Magritte
C) You're still an idiot

This act served only to cause mass hysteria and panic, unsurprisingly. I mean, it was a fucking bomb scare for Christ's sake. In this case, the underlying idea is that something that is "quite clearly not dangerous, but when you put it in a different context the viewer re-contextualizes it": a fake pipe bomb, and fake YouTube videos showing its fake explosion. With that in mind, there is more stupidity to this already mind-numbingly stupid artistic expression: it took place while there was an AIDS fund raiser at the museum. The result? Streets shut down, bomb squad on hand, and an AIDS gala canceled with hundreds of thousands of charitable dollars lost in AIDS research. All in the name of artistic expression. I should mention that at this point I'm worried for my very life for I am dangerously close to choking to death on my own rage.

Art for art's sake? Go fuck yourself.

Contemporary Art: Part One

Seriously, what the fuck is with contemporary art? For the sake of ranting I will focus particularly on the "non traditional" style of art, meaning not painting, sculpting, etc. Rather I will concentrate my rage on contemporary arts gross brother - obscurity. To me, this is not art in any way, shape or form. It is a scapegoat to being a sociopath and a general sick motherfucker. For example, going around and causing mass panic by leaving a fake bomb somewhere then trying to act like it's art should be punishable by a fucking flogging in hopes of beating some sense into you.

Now, unlike my raging counterpart, I am by no means an artist, HOWEVER I do believe that blood, feces, vomit, objects of mass hysteria, lewd conduct, shoving things in various orifices and spraying various bodily fluids ARE IN NO WAY ASSOCIATED WITH FUCKING ART. What this proves to me is you suck at every other form (yes, even mime) and have resorted to the freak show method and obscure interpretations in order to be elite in your group of friends.

Those friends by the way, suck. Sipping Starbucks coffee while typing away on your Macbook Pro and listening to the latest piece of indie shit while wearing a beret means you are a fucking trend hopping hipster, just like the other 50 million of you original motherfuckers. Wipe that smug look off your face before I put out my cigarette on your pasty white skin.

Only a sociopath would think that contemporary art is new and awesome. Think of it,
"Hey I just willingly disobeyed the system in various disturbing ways because its creative!"
but what happens when you get caught?
"Oh shit, I got caught. You can't arrest me, it's art, I swear!"
Is this the new way of pleasing insanity? Perhaps.

Between skinning cats (See:Kensington Cat), puking in galleries on other pieces, leaving fake bombs around are just a few examples. All this tells me is that you are a fucking sociopath who finds no better pleasure than ruining stuff and using art as a scapegoat. Go expose your disgusting habits where they belong; on the internet.

Don't get me wrong, expressing yourself is great. But this is not healthy expression, rather it is exposing yourself as a social (maybe sexual) deviant who obviously has no sense of right and wrong. Whats the difference between a "artist" (to use the term loosely) and a pervert/animal killer/fake bomber/vomiting person and a criminal? The claim of ARTISTIC EXPRESSION!

In Conclusion, if you suck at REAL ART (it's a pretty broad category, pick a fucking genre) then either IMPROVE or QUIT. It's how life goes. Just don't be a contemporary artist, obscure for the sake of obscure.

You smug sociopathic piece of shit.